Trusting God

So I often wonder how much personal information I should share with the Blog-world. I mean I hear about employers reading personal pages such as myspace and blogs to find out about their employees. But at the same time, my personality justs wants to scream to the world about what is going on in my life. Good or bad. I turn 31 in a few days. God has blessed me despite my failings which are many. He strengthens me despite being so angry with him at times that I shout at him. He gives me peace when I annoy him constantly for things I don't really need. So why is it that I have a hard time trusting him....

In the next few months I will find out if I am out of a job or not. I have done nothing wrong, it is just a domino effect of circumstances. Last Thursday was my day to get mad at God. I felt hurt, betrayed and lonely. A close friend of mine who also is having some rough, stressful days, called me on Wednesday and asked if I wanted to fast with him. I agreed mainly because I knew I needed to even if I did not want to. So we fasted. We broke our fast Friday moring at Cracker Barrel. All during Thursday I was dealing with emotions. I really did not get hungry because I was so focused on "telling" God what he needed to do. Friday morning came and I felt a peace that truely passed all understanding. I could rest in God's ability to provide for me as he has for the past 30 years.

I still don't know what I am going to do for a job. It would be different if I knew what I wanted to do "when I grow up" but I have no clue. I know what I am good at but have a hard time finding people who will hire me because I worked for a church as a secretary. They don't understand how much you give when you work for people you love dearly. While there is a small chance I will get to keep my job, I have already begun the process of finding other employment. I know I will miss my job. But the job changing is not what causes the most stress. It is the unknown, the transition. Worries that I thought I would only face when I became a parent has come in....will I have enough money to pay the bills....Will I have to move....these questions cause stressful moments.

I think back to the man who said to Jesus...I believe, help my unbelief. I can not look at my life and not believe in God's ability to take a worthless person and bless him but in the here and now it is a challenge. So for those in Blog-land who pray....I would appreciate prayers as I face the unknown and that God will provide some employment.

Happy 100th

According to Blogger, this is my 100th post. I actually was going to post something about how crappy my day was today but after seeing this, I realize I should be rejoicing over the huge occurrence of numerical triumph. So in honor of my 100th post here are a few random things I have learned this week:

1. It is fun looking at old vacation pictures. They remind you of fun times and great friends.

2. Spending time with family can be a wonderful time filled with joy and laughter.

3. You know you are getting old when you are happy about getting a bathrobe for your birthday.

4. Your true friends are people who know your past and love you anyway...whether you knew they knew or not.

5. Raspberry Hot Chocolate and Oreo Cheesecake can make a difficult conversation much easier.

6. Wal-marts never have the exact same layout from store to store.

7. Teaching your dad to ask before messing with the car's thermostat can be trying.

8. Realizing later on that it is better to choose your battles with your dad is humbling.

9. My nephew Brent is really quite good at Taekwondo and is willing to "face" people almost twice his size and age.

10. Second month's car payment is not as fun as the first car payment.

11. Singing about Bealuh Land has a totally different meaning at age 30 than 12.

12. Church potlucks are still a wonderful tradition, and perhaps more true First Century Christianity than many "acts of worship" during the "worship hour."

13. Sometimes you just have to ask for a hug.

14. Missing your roommate is ok.

15. Wishing your roommate would leave is ok too.

16. Having lunch with someone who thinks different than you is better than eating with somone who thinks exactly like you.

17. Buying lunch for college students is food for the soul.

18. Cleaning your room and making your bed is very restful.

19. Jumping on the trampoline can be a great time to spend with God.

20. It is just plain wierd (in a good way) to see wedding rings on your best friends fingers.

21. Dating is a lot more difficult than it was in grade school. I think we should go back to "Do you like me? Check yes or no" Direct and to the point.

22. The Kingdom of God is much bigger than your church family.

23. Not everyone in the world celebrates Christmas with presents.

24. "Rainy Days and Mondays" do always get me down.

25. God speaks through random people.

26. I don't have it as bad as Peter and John in Acts 3 & 4.

27. Isaiah 43 ROCKS!

28. Fear of changing jobs/careers is one of my biggests fears.

29. My grandmother Jones is not old enough to use a walker. (so she says)

30. My grandmother Jones still loves to take pictures from the neck down.

31. 80 ounces of water is a heck of a lot of water.

So I could go on but it is getting late and I really should have already been in bed.

Life has Broken Out

Life broke out here like the plague. This past month, some events of my past came back to haunt me in a very public way. The church family here responded well and loving for which I am thankful but I also know that it this is just the beginning. I am excited to see God working in my life and that a story I had kept hidden away I can now share as a testimony to God. But it is still difficult in the late night hours when I am alone in my thoughts. The doubts and fears creep in like a fast moving fog. They blind me and I am left with just my faith with waivers constantly. I hope that I will continue to steadfast hold to God for he is the unchanging one.

Sometimes I think that it is easier for me to trust in God when things are unknown because I have no control so all I can do is trust God. I know that there are many many people who love me, yet the idea of people finding out about my past sins/mistakes frightens me every time it is about to happen. I feel like I am withdrawing from those who did not know because I am fearful of rejection. But yet I know realistically that they will still love me if they are truely my friends but the fear is difficult to combat.

While there is relief in people knowing, there is also a difficulty in letting people process and deal with the information in their own time. I have had 11 years to deal with the various components of this but there are now people who are hearing this for the first time and I have to learn to be patient as they process.

For all those in blog-land who read this, I just ask for your prayers as I try to walk boldly with God.

Happy Halloween

I have never really liked Halloween. I have always been a scaredy cat and masks really creep me out. However, this year I was asked to be part of the Campus Ministry's Trunk or Treat. So I decided to "Dress up" for the occasion and wear my suit from the wedding I was in the previous Saturday. I also decorated my car...It became truly my toaster on wheels.... We served sandwiches from the car. So here is a picture of me and my toaster.

Over Doing it????

So a few weeks ago I had decided to cook for the campus ministry's men's prayer group. We finally decided on a dessert thing last night at ten. So I pulled out my cookbooks and got the adventursome feeling of stretching my cooking knowledge. I had already made my first cheesecake a few weeks ago so I had to go with something different. So I decided on pecan pie and banana pudding would be my adventure. So I started the week with making a Nut-rageous Peanut Butter pie. It is simple and has to stay in the freezer so that was one dessert down. Then Tuesday night I began the prelimary stuff. Making one of my favorites....4 layer Chocolate Dessert. I have found that it is best if the crust cools completely so I went ahead and baked it. Then I made Tippi's Famous Brownies. I have no idea who Tippi is but people love it when I make her brownies. It has a frosting that goes with it so once again, best if the brownies cool. I also made an apple pie using McIntosh Apples. A first for me as I usually use Granny Smith. But it was more of a creamy apple pie so the sweeter apple seemed better.
So Wednesday morning I began with adventure #1 Banana Pudding. In our church cookbook is "Ethel's Old Fashion Banana Pudding" Now Ethel and her husband ran a great ice cream shop which many an older Auburnite would recongize if I said the "the Flush" So I thought, surely I can make her recipe. Well I couldn't. It was a diaster. I don't know if the book missed a step or what but it was not pretty. So I went to work frustrated.
Midday I called my mom and got her recipe for Banana Pudding. As usual, she came to the rescue. So after work I made my last trip to the store, then got a haircut, then heading home to make a mess of the kitchen.
I started immediately on the Banana Pudding. I now think that EVERYONE should use Cook and Serve Pudding at least once to appreciate just how instant, instant is. I thought my stirring arm was going to fall off. Then I realized that I my time table was getting cramped so I multi-tasked by stirring with one hand and cutting the bananas with the other. I could only cut at every up swing of the spoon but it got the job done. So then while the pudding was cooling, I began to work on the frosting for the brownies. Once that was done, I worked on the Merigine for the pudding. Once again, people should know how long it takes and they will appreciate the dessert a whole lot more. Then I made the 2 pecan pies. Which were easier than I thought, which also concerns me.

So last night I took, 1 peanut butter pie, 2 pecan pies, a 4 layer chocolate dessert, a pan of brownies, banana pudding, and I had a lemon pie my grandmother had made in the freezer so I took it as well.

15 guys showed up, compared to the 20 or 30 I had been told. So needless to say we have more desserts at our house than I ever want. When I returned home, my roommate asked me, "So, when are you going to stop going overboard?" Personally I am proud that I have the overboard gene, I have found I got it from both grandmothers. Leftovers were better than running out of food in their book and so it is with mine.

Everyone enjoyed my desserts. The pudding was not as good as my mom's and the pecan pie was a tad overdone. I hate the whole "wiggle" test idea. But all in all a great time.

Proud Father???

So this morning I was going to visit a dear friend in the hospital. She is one of my favorite people because she is always cheerful and fun. So I went into the gift shop and asked for the craziest balloon they had. They offered me this balloon........



Granted not as fun as my large giant butterfly balloon I got her one time but it would do in a crunch. So balloon in hand, I was walking down the hallway. A nurse walked by and said "Congratulations" Now I am hoping that she was just getting off the night shift because nothing about me or the balloon screamed "New Daddy" Oh well...here is to the baby I never knew I had nor where he is....

My New Car

Labor Day, my car "Cam-Cam" died. Well actually she was just really really sick. So sick that it was not worth me keeping her alive. So I decided to sell her. She was sold within 4 days even with a bad transmission. So then I had to make an adult decision on what kind of car to get next. I picked it out but only told a few people because I really wanted people to eat their words when they realized what I got, for many had mentioned how ugly this car is. I personally like it and think it as a mini-cooper on steroids. I bought used with under 10,000 miles on it. :-) I am thankful to God that for all the lessons he has taught during this process.


So without futher ado...here is my new car.

I was Tagged I promise

Book Tagged
My brother Steve tagged me with these questions about books. Here is my attempt.
1. One book that changed your life: There’s a Monster at the end of this Book. (go ahead and laugh)
2. One book that you’ve read more than once: The Harry Potter Series
3. One book you’d want on a desert island: The Hardy Boys Detective’s Handbook
4. One book that made you laugh: The Mitford Series by Jan Karon
5. One book that made you cry: The Five People you Meet in Heaven, Mitch Albom
6. One book you wish had been written: How your High School years, really do affect you after college.
7. One book you wish had never been written: Songbooks with notes.
8. One book you’re currently reading: Abba’s Child, Brennan Manning
9. One book you’ve been meaning to read: Anything by Brian McLaren

Too Busy

Fall is here. Students have attacked Auburn streets like tourist to Disney World. Traffic is horrible and yet people are excited about it. The town seems to swell and grow to accomidate the young. Perhaps that is a good thing, but I am afraid, it has some drawbacks. This town never grows old. Every fall we get a youth booster shot and we feel that we are doing good. This is wonderful. Things are great. I guess this occurs other places too. I am sure when a baby is born or a wedding occurs but those are never on a pattern or schedule. Perhaps we are too busy with all the newcomers to notice those who never left. Our society has changed, there are more older singles and here in Auburn they have no place to call their own. Our town has seen an influx of retirees. They have homes but they are secluded and hardly interact with the town at large. Are we supping the fountain of youth, but the only change is outward. Are we dying inside but look youth and vibrant on the inside? I don't know...I just don't know.

Glenn the Fish's Obit

LARSON
Auburn, AL – Glenn Hall Larson, died July 20, 2006.

Unsure of exact date of birth, Glenn was adopted in January of 2005. He grew up and lived all of his working life in Auburn, AL. He was an able companion to his adopted dad Eric, as well as his uncle, David Duer, and in his later months another uncle, Phil Thorsen. He traveled to Groveland, IL once to visit his father's family and was well taken care of by his grandmother Rosy. Grandma Rosy even sent him back home with some treats to help his color. He lived in 3 homes and enjoyed each one, though his favorite was his name sake Glenn Hall. In the residential hall, he was visited often by various residents and especially enjoyed it when all the staff would meet in the living room and eat his dad's candy.

A private memorial service was held at 12:00 pm, Thursday, July 20th at home of Phil Thorsen and David Duer. It included a three flush salute.

From "The Message"

God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing.
You have bedded me down in lush meadows,
you find me quiet pools to drink from.
True to your word,
you let me catch my breath
and send me in the right direction.

Even when the way goes through
Death Valley,
I'm not afraid
when you walk at my side.
Your trusty shepherd's crook
makes me feel secure.

You serve me a six-course dinner
right in front of my enemies.
You revive my drooping head;
my cup brims with blessing.

Your beauty and love chase after me
every day of my life.
I'm back home in the house of God
for the rest of my life.

Cloud or Water

I feel like I am at crossroads and I don't know if God is asking me to wait for a sign like the pillar of cloud or to step out in faith like Peter did. Is it possible to "disobey" God because you are not trusting enough for him to take care of you? I have no idea.

Hellos and Goodbyes

I have returned to Auburn with so many mixed emotions. I just spent a week with a beloved friend who was getting married and in the process met a few more friends who I truely miss now. This was my first vacation to IL that did not have some moment of wanting to be at home. No Bell's palsy, no car messing up. It was a complete vacation and I did not miss Auburn nor the people. I was able to replace most of them with counterparts. You may question the ability to do this in just a week but it happened. I feel like I have had my quota of hellos and goodbyes to last me awhile. Two different people I met last week when they emailed me mentioned how after only 3 days they felt like we were long time friends and they are correct. I know with email we can stay "in touch" but at the same time there is a loss as I know that many of these people I will never see again this side of heaven. There is something so amazing that happens when two Christians meet and bond. I was very blessed by one young man who kept me laughing all week but also was willing to share his heart with me and we were able to bond in our life circumstances.

I also was able to see Eric's grandmother again who reminds me so much of my Grandmother Duer. In fact, she wore a dress for the wedding that I am almost postive Grandma Duer had. Grandma Ruth was her name and she had just suffered the loss of her "boyfriend" to cancer. Her face showed her hurt as she told me how much she missed him.

Sometimes I think blog writer's blog comes from the first field to fill out "Title." I think they should put it at the end so you can write first with out trying to figure out if the title is relavant to what you end up talking about. I had 3 different titles in there before I decide to just leave it blank.

Travels:
I will be leaving this Sunday morning for a trip to IL to see one of my best friends and spend a week with him and end the week participating in his wedding. I am really excited though I have never driven so long before by myself. Luckily I have a few books downloaded to my iPod for the trip.

Becoming my Dad:
The older I get the more I realize how many traits and habits I have that my Dad has. The funniest realization was last week. I keep my office candy jars filled so I keep my stash in my desk drawers. Last week as I was opening it up, I realized that my Dad when he owned the Western Auto Store growing up, also had a stash in the same drawer of his desk. I can remember as a child, opening it up to see what I could snack on after school.

Week at the Office:
In preparation of my vacation to IL, I have had to get all my ducks in a row at the office, I am amazed at how effiecent I am when I know I am heading out of town. I am able to do the work in 2 days that it usually takes me 4 days to accomplish. Granted some tasks and projects get push off till later, but still, I wish I could be more driven all the time.

Gone on before us:
I have missed my Grandmother Duer a lot this month. Don't know why, this month is not special for her, nor me. I just have missed her presence in my life though it was aroud 10 years ago when she died. She was one of those grandmothers who even when I did wrong, still thought I could accomplish whatever task was put before me. I pray that she is finding me faithful to the faith she helped instill in me.

Beatles:
If had a few hundred dollars to just throw away, I would buy a plane ticket to Las Vegas and catch the Cirque de Soliel's show feature the Beatle's music.

Debt:
Speaking of throwing money away, I am in the throws of deciding whether to go in to debt a little more and take some classes here at AUburn University. The problem is, I can't decide what to take. No inventory or test has given me a clear brain signal as to what direction I should take.

Here is the only picture I have of when I let my hair and beard grow out for Fiddler. Nancy requested I posted it and since she has written a book and all, I figured I should do what the celebrities wish of me. Sorry for the graininess of the pic, the theatre group had taken pictures and laminated them so this was the best I could do. 

thoughts

Last night I attended New Horizon Theatre Company's award banquet. Since I had grown a beard for Fiddler, very few people immediately recognized me without my beard. In fact, one girl stood right next to me and did not talk to me, only to 20 minutes later see me from a far and ask when I got here. I sat next to a lady who was a hair dresser and owned a small store in Valley, AL but had travelled all over the world, though her dream place, Hawaii, she had not reached.

Sometimes dreams and wishes blind the reality of experiences.

It was comforting and uncomforting to be in a room full of people who really don't know who I am. All they know of me is what they saw for 8 weeks of my life. My favorite quote of the evening was "you can tell a lot about a person by who he hands around." I think of Jesus and who he hung around and feel challenged that most people I hang around look and think almost exactly like me. One more area of my life I need to work on.

I find that the more I truly work on myself to be a better Christian, the more I realize exactly how screwed up I am.

As I was leaving, a guy who I thought he and I never really connected with and honestly thought tolorated me, shook my hand and encouraged me to come back and said in parting "these are good people, we really need you here" But to be a part of this theatre company, sacrifices would have to be made. Cost of gas, missing midweek church services for practice and time in general.

Why is it that wonderful opportunities always have a price?

On the way home, I called a friend who had just become betrothed. I think I said, "so happy for you" or "sincerely happy for you" 10 or so times. I did blundered through my words when I also said I was nervous...I still don't know exactly what I meant. I am not nervous for them as a couple. I think the nervousness comes about myself. As more and more of my friends get married I wonder can I survive being single. I think I am scared about becoming invisible to the married folks around me. Perhaps that is why I was so verbose about being happy for them. I wanted to make sure that even though I am scared about me...I am still happy for them.

Sincereity is difficult over the phone.

I arrived home at around 10pm. My roommate was not home. Unfortunate for him, I have become a tad bothersome in my opinion. I have noticed an increase in asking him where he is going and what he is doing. I am turning into a parent but have no kids. My motives are 100% pure but it is a double standard because I hate it when people do it to me. He seemingly graciously accepts my questions and bares with me in my parental tendancy. He is a great roommate.

Why do roommates shine the light on our mistakes and issues so well?

Sometimes life is just too complicated to explain in a blog. Backstories seem to lengthy to explain and situations are determined to be private rather than public. A mid-westerner by birth recently commented to me that southerners keep a facade about them. You go up to a man whose life is falling down around them and yet he says he is "doing good." I can argue if that is true or not. I know I have been guilty of it but I don't think it is because I am southern. For me it is because I am tired of hurting, tired of losing hope. In the vernacular of a southerner..I'm just plain sick and tired" of life. And yet in the middle of my yuckiness, I hear a song. This is the song I heard last night.

Give us faith to be strong
Father, we are so weak
Our bodies are fragile and weary
As we stagger and stumble to walk where you lead
Give us faith to be strong

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong

Give us peace when we're torn
Mend us up when we break
This flesh can be wounded and shaking
When there's much too much trouble for one heart to take
Give us peace when we're torn

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong

Give us hearts to find hope
Father, we cannot see
How the sorrow we feel can bring freedom
And as hard as we try, Lord, it's hard to believe
So, give us hearts to find hope

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us faith, faith to be strong

Andrew Peterson, Faith to be Strong.

Free Will

Recently I have been having some great dialouge with a friend about the idea of free will. I posed him this question and thought it would be healthy to get some other responses as well:

This logic probably has tons of holes...so feel free to find them: If we do have 100% free will, i.e. choice to follow or not follow, then that would mean that no matter what "nature" tendencies we are dealt with, we still have a choice to choose the path of God. So free will actually removes the crutch or argument, I was born this way or it is just who I am. If fact 100% free will gives me the idea that I am not tied down to conventional methods of life. What do you think?

Hamming it up

Well, I succesfully hosted my first holiday meal, unless you count Valetine's Day a few years ago. But this meal went wonderfully. My mom cooked a few casseroles and I baked a ham. If you read my previous post you will remember that it was just under 19 lbs. So right now my freezer has plenty of ham for the taking. I have been perusing recipes to get some ideas for uses. It was such a blessing to be able to join in fellowship with my parents and grandmother as well as old and new friends for Easter Dinner. It made me appreciate all the ones before me who had cooked holiday meals on a Sunday. How did they manage to get it all done? Next year I will be wiser and get a smaller ham. Hope everyone out there had a tremendous Easter.

My Easter Ham

This year I am going for the big challenge. I am cooking for my parents, grandmother and some friends for Easter dinner. Honestly I am nervous!!! Not because I will cook anything deadly, just because I have a 18 lb ham. My friend David called me a few weeks ago and said the Auburn University Meat lab were selling their hams for 2.09. I of course knew it was 2.09 a pound but he thought it was 2.09 for the entire ham. One could surmise he has not cooked a lot. Anyway...So I said put me down for a whole ham, thinking it would be 10-12 lbs. I got one of the smaller ones there...these pigs were huge!! So now I am realize that my ham will be cooking in the oven for 5 to 6 hours. What have I gotten myself into? Any recipes for leftover ham..we will definitely have some!!!

What to do?

I was driving down Samford Avenue this morning to get my car's oil changed and this dog ran in front of my car. I slammed on my brakes, my tires screeched but not soon enough. I hit the poor dog, I was about to open the door when I saw him jump up and hobble away, followed by another dog. They ran away. I did not know what to do. I drove ahead a little to see if he stopped but he didn't he ran into the bushes with the other dog. If he had stopped I might could have located the owner but he ran away...so now what...He had a slight limp when he ran but I still feel like a jerk for not letting the owner know.

What's Your Sign?

Today I had a wonderful conversation (albeit online through google chat) with a good friend, I invite you into my conversation...it was edited a tad and the context really doesn't matter to the blog. Please also note that I have part of my slogan thanks to Sarah's comment on my previous post.

me: Waiting on a sign from God
Friend: ew
me: unfortunately he keeps saying step out in faith but no specifics
Friend: what does that even mean?
me: heck if I know :-)
Friend: dude, the phrase "waiting on a sign from God" is crap.
Stop waiting for a sign, and make a decision and do it.
me: hey...I know that...
Friend: It's just that simple. You lack discipline.
me: I just like saying it because I envision a giant billboard on the interstate...saying...Duer....this is what I want
Friend: (try and imagine that line with an Arnold accent, and you'll get the full effect)
me: ummm ok
Friend: Oh, that's what you want? Too easy. It's in the bible. =)
me: No...I know myself too well...if that did happen I would grumble and complain that this is not what I wanted to do
This way I just shuffle my feet and stay inert
Friend: You should get a tattoo of that phrase on your back: "I just shuffle my feet and stay inert"
Punk goth kids would think you are awesome
It's laden with all sorts of existential angst - they love that.
me: I will put that on my tombstone after I hit the billboard and die
Friend: Yes! That will be even better.
So, now that you have read the billboard - Do justice, love mercy, walk humbly and all that - what are you going to do?

Though I was somewhat joking, there is a part of me that would love a "voice from heaven moment" just because there would be no question. But as I analyze that thinking process I quickly discover that with no question comes a greater sign of lack of faith. Jesus provided many billboard or a slap your hand on your forhead moments and yet we still have disowning Peter and doubting Thomas to name a few.

Do we learn better when we go though the unsure times than when we have a "go and do" moment. Because in the former, trust is in God but the latter trust is in doing rather than whom you're doing it for.

So what's your sign say?

A Most Hated Question

There are many questions I cringe at when asked, but the one that takes the cake is....(drumroll)...."If you could do anything as a career, what would it be?" That question sends shivers up my spine and makes me generally uncomfortable. Yes I do realize that by telling the blog-world this many of my friends who read this will be anticipating the next time they see me so they can ask me the question.
But truthfully...I despise that question, because I can't answer it. I can't pin down a dream job. There are times when I am asked that question and am flooded with thoughts of jobs I would like to do but are so far fetched they are ridiculus...(Work for Cirque de Soliel or a Master Chef at a nice resturant). Then there are other times when I feel this overwhelming since of guilt if I am honest and tell people what I really want to do...because if I do then that will be proud and haughty of me....(yes I realize this is stinkin' thinkin'.....I am working on it) So I will refrain and just get all uncomfortable. It is like a curse of the mind. I can win for losing and can't lose for winning.

Just a clarifier....I am not upset nor frustrated at those who ask...I just wish I had an answer for them....perhaps it is my age old struggle of trying to be right instead of faithful rearing it's ugly head.

Who Am I?

Over the past few months, I have struggled with a question
Who am I?
Perhaps it is because my emotion is greater than my logic at times.
Perhaps it is because I struggle so much with being true to myself rather than adapting to the whims of people around me.
So I ask myself...who am I?

Today, I am an office manager, but what does that mean, even my employers aren't presently sure.
Today I am a Christian, but many times, more than should, I question this for I see the evil that creeps in and takes hold.
Today I am a son, the third son in fact to a family, I am an oops child. So am I a mistake?
Today I am a brother, brother-in-law, and uncle, but I am not there all the time and many times I am the lone family member not at events. I know...bad uncle.
Today I am a friend to people, yet there are some who used to be my friends that I have hurt them or even forgotten.
Today I am a failure and a small bit of success rolled into one somewhat overweight package of a human being.
Today I am a wealthy person by some and a poor person to others in terms of money.
TODAY I AM LOST

I have been lost for awhile. Many of the foundations I have leaned upon in the past have been removed and so I am as unsecure as the legs of a new born giraffe. So I don't know who I am anymore. My entire life is one big discombobulated moment. A giant juggler of life and the bowling pins are dropping like flies. There have been many times this past year when I just want to quit. Who am I? I just don't know. I have had my run of pithy statements that all result in me feeling more frustrated and confused. Is it true, that if I am asking myself if I am crazy, then I must not be crazy?

So who am I? I am a wanderer in search of answers.

I had invited some friends over on Saturday evening to watch the final four basketball games. It also happened to be Phil's (my roommate) birthday. However, during the course of the week, I somehow double booked myself. Andrew, AKA Butch, needed a ride back from the airport on Saturday evening, so I called upon my good friend Nathan to take my car and pick him up in Atlanta. So around 9:40, I get a phone call from Andrew, saying that they were stranded on the side of the road. My stomach dropped, because my car about a year ago had some unfortunate and expensive engine trouble. So I asked what was wrong and he said..."It blew a rod". Now I am not car smart but I knew that was not good. So I said ok...I will leave to pick you up. So I asked Phil if I could borrow his car and headed to the interstate. I then realized I did not even ask if they were ok. So I called them back and checked on them and they were ok. So I asked a few more questions...Like do you mean a tire rod or an engine rod....Of course he replied engine rod. So after I hung up, I drove in complete silence outlying my plan for living without a car for a few months. About five minutes later, Nathan calls and tells me April Fool's. Needless to say I was emotionally discombobulated. So once my heart started pumping again and oxygen getting back to my brain, I politely joined in with a small chuckle and said I would meet you at the house. I must say....It did teach me a lesson about how much stock I had placed on a car as well as how much I take it forgranted. Nathan and Andrew are still my friends and no harm came to them.

Sunday was a blur. I went to church and actually got to sit in a pew this week for almost the entire service. Learning to let go and let others do things their way is difficult but in the long run the best thing for me. I took a nap after church, then Nathan and I headed to Atlanta to see Cirque De Soliel's newest show Delirium. It was awesome! It was unlike the Cirque show the Band of Bro's saw in Orlando. This was almost too intense and overstimulated. We arrived back in Auburn around 1:00am. I was so keyed up that I went and worked at the office for about 30 minutes or so.

It was a busy weekend but enjoyable.

DD

And the Curtain Closes

L'Chiam!

This past weekend was the culmination of 8 weeks of rehearsals as I performed with the New Horizon Theatre company in a production of Fiddler on the Roof. In looking back, I have fewer regrets than I thought I would at the half way mark. I eventually found friends to talk with and cut up with. I gained new perspectives into teenagers growing up during these times. I was reminded that everyone...everyone...needs a compliment or two each day. People have asked me if I am glad I did this. I always answer...I think so. I did miss my Auburn social life and missed my midweek Bible Class time at church, which admittedly surprised me. But on the other hand...I loved getting to know people who were not like me, who believe in God and yet dressed differently than I did. (Can you see me in a pair of baggy pants with giant safety pins?) I learned to appreciate the fact that I 30 years old and out of the high school drama of why Suzi is not talking to Joe. So the answer remains...i think so.

I typically have post-production depression because I am a creature of habit and when my habit is removed I feel lost. I have not expreienced it to the degree that I usually do. Perhaps it is because this week has been filled with social times of talking with close friends and loved ones. And what is even more wonderful is I have many other people I need to catch up with.

In other news, we caught one of the squirrels on Monday. Birdseed was the bait that trapped him. We have reset the trap because we heard another one. So hopefully we will not have to wait as long.

So to all those readers who thought I had quit blogging...I am back.

Oh...don't forget to spring foward this weekend. Time Changes Baby!

Yes it has been awhile

My apoligies to those who have been waiting with great anticipation for my next blog. I have had a lot of ideas crop into my head about what to blog about.

Kicking a Wet Dandelion
We recently have had a lot of rain, one day I was walking to work and I felt somewhat childish and decided to kick the white puffy seed bloom of a dandelion. What is usually a somewhat fun sight of seeing the bloom burst into pieces and float away was a yucky mess on my shoe because of all the rain. Life is often like that. Getting bogged down with circumstances of life that we are impaired in doing the job we are called to do and we end up making a mess rather than flying free and unhindered.

Draining Self-help
I am currently reading 2 books that are in the genre of "self-help" Both are helping me, but both simply drain me. After spending 2 hours reading one of them I did not want to talk or do anything. But alas life goes on and you have to go out into the world. A close friend and mentor remarked at how quiet I am right now. I think it is because I am in conflict with myself. I know what I am working on is the right thing to do, but it does not remove the difficultness of it. Even Christian "self-help" books have a tendancy to emphasize "My work" instead of God's work. So I am in conflict trying to navigate the path I am on, praying that it is a path of God's blessings.

Purging
Saturday I went to my parents' home and begun a task that I thought would be dreadful...cleaning out my room. I am far from finished but a lot of the junk has been removed. I also found a lot of letters. Some are "love-notes" from my ACSC (campus Ministry) days, others were actual love notes from previous girlfriends. So I followed the path of many TV shows and had a Keep and throw away pile. I threw a lot of stuff away at home but then some stuff I put in the keep pile until I got to my house. I have been wanting to test out my fire place and decided that this was the night to do it. So old records and a few of those love notes went into the fire. I understand again, the concept of fire being a cleansing tool. Many of those papers represented hurt and frustration, some were plain happiness. Burning them did not erase any memory but it did help me categorize them and deal with them. There are still a few documents that I want to burn but did not because they are hard to let go of. What is interesting is that they represent some of the most painful stuff and yet I hold on to them for security. Granted...I know this is not the most healthiess thing to hold on to bad memories. I often joke with my friends about praying for God to remove this or that from my life immediately. As much as it sounds cool and enjoyable. I am not sure I would be the person I am if all the pain were just removed. Needless to say, my room is a lot more organized and I can hit the closet next. Who knows what lurks in those shadows.

The Irony of God

As some of you know having kept up with my blog that I am in rehearsals for the musical "Fiddler on the Roof." with the New Horizon Theatre in West Point, GA. Well it is has been somewhat a difficult process. Mainly because I am out of my comfort zone. Everyone knows everyone but me. Most of these people have friends and family members also in the play and it is more of a family community so being a single guy I just feel plain out of place at times.

So I have complained to God about it and to others. There was a small part of me wanting to quit. But since I was raised with finishing what I started. I have stuck it out. Well the past two weeks have shown improvement. I now feel like Sally Fields in that "They like me...the really like me" Here are a few examples....

Last week, I was talking with 2 teenage girls and one of the girls said to the other..."Let me show you what Sandy did to her husband." She then preceded to pull on my beard. I stood there...mouth open...and said.."You are a very brave girl" The then said..."Please don't hurt me"

Then just last night, a kid of one of the cast members sat right next to me. I introduced myself and he preceded to tell me his name, we made some small talk and then he pointed at a sore on his lip and said "Look at this". I asked, "What happened?" He replied "It's an ulcer." I replied, "Yeah, I get those too". He said "You have herpes." After asking him to repeat himself, he explained that ulcers and cold sore mean you have herpes.

So as you can see, God has answered my prayers for being liked and accepted by having my beard pulled on and being told I have herpes.

Joking aside, It has been a learning process because I can now identify with visitors at my church who feel like everyone knows everyone and feel out of place.

The Four Things Tag

I really think this tagging is a ploy to re-awaken dying blogs but ok, I will play along with my brother's request.

Four Jobs I've Had:
Computer/Copier Repair with Business System and Services
Ladies Shoes Salesperson/Jr. Department Manager with Gayfer's Department Store
Office Manager for Auburn Church of Christ
Seasonal Engraver with Heartstrings Entreprises


Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over:
The Princess Bride
Dead Poet's Society
American President
Finding Nemo

Four Books I Could Read Over and Over:
Harry Potter by JK Rowling
Chronicles of Narnia by CS Lewis
Mitford Series by Jan Karon
I & II Samuel (I really like David's life...the good and bad)

Four Places I've Lived:
Opelika, Alabama
Montgomery, Alabama - 9 months
Auburn, Alabama
Wiston-Salem, North Carolina - 4 months

Four TV Shows I Watch:
Lost
Clean House
It Takes a Thief
CSI


Four Places I’ve Been on Vacation:
Washington DC
Orlando, Florida
Peoria Area, IL
Brevard Area, NC (Camping, waterfalls)

Four Websites I Visit Daily: (I really don't check pages daily, but here are some I look at quite frequently)
ESPN.COM (I do not like their new home page format)
www.jkrowling.com: She has a really cool website
www.msn.com for the news
www.biblegateway.com for the Bible


Four Favorite Foods:
Mexican Casserole (you know the one with velvetta, chili, rotel tomatoes, etc.)
4-layer Chocolate Dessert
Chicken Fingers (Zaxby's & TendaChick are my favorites)
Niffer's--99% of everything I have eaten there is my favorite.


Four Places I’d Like to Be Right Now:
In a room with my closest friends sitting around a fireplace with snow falling outside
Touring the Midwest (Montanta, Colorado are high on my list)
Ireland
playing a board game with my family and friends

I realize that by not passing on the tagging, I am breaking the chain and will probably suffer a horrible death or 30 years bad luck but I just haven't got time to worry about that right now.

Sick & thoughtful

It is almost 1:00 AM and I should be in bed. I have been fighting a cold and I am sure this is not helping the healing. I guess right now I am just in a thoughtful mood. A dear friend of mine is a teacher in IL. His school has had 7 students die in 6 months. I just finished reading the obit and related article. The last student to die was 17. In listing her acolades, she was listed as a Teen for Christ.

So right now, much like the beaver in Narnia, I understand right now that God is not safe. Please understand what I am saying. We are not promised tomorrow. We could be checking out at any moment. Why does it take death to remind us that life is a vapor.

For those out in blogland that are wondering...no....no squirrel capture. Though I am getting concerned. I saw two squirrels the other day. I am praying that they are bachelors or batchelorettes.

Someone recently said that they feel that bloggers are narcissitic. I don't know...perhaps she was correct. What is the motivation behind blogging? Can it be pinned down to a simple understanding?

My brother in his blog says Change is a coming. I think perhaps change is always there. Sometimes it is a really cool yet slow-moving automatic sidewalk ...and other times it is a train barrelling at you and you grab on and hold on for the ride. It is all in your perspective. Can you imagine being a Jew on the day of Pentecost when Peter preached. That was a train ride change to say the least. But yet it still had slow movements at time.

Well i have yawn enough so I guess I will go to sleep.

Bicycle Seats and Songs

You ever had a day where everywhere you went you were reminded of someone close to you? That was me today. The people I was reminded of are not dead, just gone from Auburn, but it still made me very pensive. I care deeply for my friends. In many ways they are my family addition. Some talk about getting wives, husbands, children and the like...I talk about finding close friends.

The most funny remembrance today was at the post office, when I saw someone getting on to their bicycle. The seat was at the correct height. I thought...Adam would have been pleased to see this, for you see one of Adam's many things that he is prone to go on and on about is the height of bicycle seats. He hates seeing people ride with incorrect heights. Personally, I don't care. But it made me smile, so I guess that is what have good memories is all about.

The squirrel is still here at the office. The problem is he won't eat the food in the trap because he can get outside and get food...however we don't want to trap him in the house because he could cause real havoc. The idea of shotgun is looking more and more appealing.

The funniest thing I witnessed today was a person walking up to the postal clerk with a folded down box and asking how the box worked.

Oh well.... onward and upward.

I have seen the critter

So last night Jim Armstrong, my good friend and Wildlife guru brought some traps to catch this critter. So this morning I began the task I have been avoiding for a month or so. Cleaning out the area so we can lay the traps. Well it was just too dark for my comfort so I brought in a halogen work lamp and set to work. As you will know from my previous post, I am a scaredy cat to the core so my neck is all tense and blood pressure on the rise because I do not like being scared or surprised...especially by an animal. So after quitting twice because my nerves could not handle it. I mustered up my courage and had a look. At first all I could see was his nest. THIS AINT A MOUSE. I TOLD YOU IT WAS NOT A MOUSE. Then with the work lamp...I peered a little bit deeper in and there were two beady eyes. My heart jumped a few beats and I peered a little bit more to see the bushy tail. It is a squirrel. Of course I feel much better that it is a squirrel than a rat but I still am tense and my body aches. So since I now know what it is, I can put off cleaning out a little more till Jim A. comes to set the trap. Don't worry it is a hav-a-heart trap...he will not be killed.

Speaking of squirrels, we have a white squirrel that lives near our house. I had first seen it a few days after I moved in and thought...wow...he is old. But when Adam saw it was like wow...you don't seen many of those. Now I don't think it is an albino because he does not have the red eyes. He comes to the back of the house on occasion to roll in the dirt. I guess his form of adaptation. I was concerned recently because I have not seen him, but Phil told me today that he saw him yesterday.

All I can saw...is Squeak, squeak, squeaker, squeakins!

Speaking of Scaredy Cat

We currently have a visitor living with us here at the office. I am pretty sure it is a rat. For some reason, I can not be agressive enough to get rid of him. I did my part...I placed traps. I feel it is his responsibility to commit sucide for a taste of peanut butter. That way I don't have to hear him scampering across the ceiling. He has found a way to get between the ceiling and floor upstairs.

Rodents bother me. I blame The Princess Bride, the R.O.U.S's (Rodents of Unusual Size) and the rat from Lady and the Tramp for my feelings towards rats. Even though there is Splinter for Teenage Muntant Ninja Turtles and Templeton from Charolotte's Web....I still find them evil and ugly.

Perhaps tomorrow I will attack the attic storage area and try to get rid of him.

DD

Scaredy Cat

I admit it. I am a scaredy cat. I jump at the slightest noise if I am in the kitchen washing dishes. The best example I have is that my mother painted my face one Halloween as Count Dracula. So I was led to the mirror to see the finished project and I jumped. I scared my own self. I know pretty sad. It even affects my movie choices. For example....I have wanted to see The Village for a very long time because I really like M. Night Shyamalan work, but I can only handle so much suspense. I get all tense and such. Well the previews of The Village had lead me to believe of monsters which is a direct link to scary horror things. So I avoided it. Well I finally summed up the courage to rent it during the holidays but I let it sit there. Still not wanting to be scared. So finally after it had occured 2 late fees I watched it. Boy did I feel stupid. It was not bad at all. I only jumped once and I even had prepared myself when the creepy music started that something was going to happen. So perhaps this was a lesson for me not to be afraid of facing my scaredy cat-ness from time to time.