So I often wonder how much personal information I should share with the Blog-world. I mean I hear about employers reading personal pages such as myspace and blogs to find out about their employees. But at the same time, my personality justs wants to scream to the world about what is going on in my life. Good or bad. I turn 31 in a few days. God has blessed me despite my failings which are many. He strengthens me despite being so angry with him at times that I shout at him. He gives me peace when I annoy him constantly for things I don't really need. So why is it that I have a hard time trusting him....
In the next few months I will find out if I am out of a job or not. I have done nothing wrong, it is just a domino effect of circumstances. Last Thursday was my day to get mad at God. I felt hurt, betrayed and lonely. A close friend of mine who also is having some rough, stressful days, called me on Wednesday and asked if I wanted to fast with him. I agreed mainly because I knew I needed to even if I did not want to. So we fasted. We broke our fast Friday moring at Cracker Barrel. All during Thursday I was dealing with emotions. I really did not get hungry because I was so focused on "telling" God what he needed to do. Friday morning came and I felt a peace that truely passed all understanding. I could rest in God's ability to provide for me as he has for the past 30 years.
I still don't know what I am going to do for a job. It would be different if I knew what I wanted to do "when I grow up" but I have no clue. I know what I am good at but have a hard time finding people who will hire me because I worked for a church as a secretary. They don't understand how much you give when you work for people you love dearly. While there is a small chance I will get to keep my job, I have already begun the process of finding other employment. I know I will miss my job. But the job changing is not what causes the most stress. It is the unknown, the transition. Worries that I thought I would only face when I became a parent has come in....will I have enough money to pay the bills....Will I have to move....these questions cause stressful moments.
I think back to the man who said to Jesus...I believe, help my unbelief. I can not look at my life and not believe in God's ability to take a worthless person and bless him but in the here and now it is a challenge. So for those in Blog-land who pray....I would appreciate prayers as I face the unknown and that God will provide some employment.
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3 comments:
Happy Birthday! So sorry you are going through a rough time. Fasting is so helpful and often overlooked spiritual discipline.
Hope your birthday is fun...
HOw are things?
Hello Duer. I happened to stumble upon your blog today after typing in "trouble trusting God" into Google...go figure.
I hope that you will overcome, as He promises that we will, if we keep in His word.
I, too, am in the same difficult, wondering how to trust, but my circumstances are quite different. I was laid off in January and run out of unemployment funds the end of this month. I have applied for I don't know how many jobs in the last months, with no luck. Far from being unemployable, I have a master's degree and am quite good at my field. But I live in a VERY small town and my last few jobs haven't been in my field.
I support three children, a grandchild and a mother as I was divorced last year.
I didn't mean for this to be a diatribe but don't forget that as "bad" as your situation is, there is always something worse. I think now about how lucky I am that my kids and I are in good health and love each other. Whether we can buy food next month will have to be up to God, because I can't do it. Sometimes even in crisis it pays far better dividends to thank Him for what we do have than worry about what we don't or MAY NOT have.
God bless you, hon.
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