My New Car

Labor Day, my car "Cam-Cam" died. Well actually she was just really really sick. So sick that it was not worth me keeping her alive. So I decided to sell her. She was sold within 4 days even with a bad transmission. So then I had to make an adult decision on what kind of car to get next. I picked it out but only told a few people because I really wanted people to eat their words when they realized what I got, for many had mentioned how ugly this car is. I personally like it and think it as a mini-cooper on steroids. I bought used with under 10,000 miles on it. :-) I am thankful to God that for all the lessons he has taught during this process.


So without futher ado...here is my new car.

I was Tagged I promise

Book Tagged
My brother Steve tagged me with these questions about books. Here is my attempt.
1. One book that changed your life: There’s a Monster at the end of this Book. (go ahead and laugh)
2. One book that you’ve read more than once: The Harry Potter Series
3. One book you’d want on a desert island: The Hardy Boys Detective’s Handbook
4. One book that made you laugh: The Mitford Series by Jan Karon
5. One book that made you cry: The Five People you Meet in Heaven, Mitch Albom
6. One book you wish had been written: How your High School years, really do affect you after college.
7. One book you wish had never been written: Songbooks with notes.
8. One book you’re currently reading: Abba’s Child, Brennan Manning
9. One book you’ve been meaning to read: Anything by Brian McLaren

Too Busy

Fall is here. Students have attacked Auburn streets like tourist to Disney World. Traffic is horrible and yet people are excited about it. The town seems to swell and grow to accomidate the young. Perhaps that is a good thing, but I am afraid, it has some drawbacks. This town never grows old. Every fall we get a youth booster shot and we feel that we are doing good. This is wonderful. Things are great. I guess this occurs other places too. I am sure when a baby is born or a wedding occurs but those are never on a pattern or schedule. Perhaps we are too busy with all the newcomers to notice those who never left. Our society has changed, there are more older singles and here in Auburn they have no place to call their own. Our town has seen an influx of retirees. They have homes but they are secluded and hardly interact with the town at large. Are we supping the fountain of youth, but the only change is outward. Are we dying inside but look youth and vibrant on the inside? I don't know...I just don't know.

Glenn the Fish's Obit

LARSON
Auburn, AL – Glenn Hall Larson, died July 20, 2006.

Unsure of exact date of birth, Glenn was adopted in January of 2005. He grew up and lived all of his working life in Auburn, AL. He was an able companion to his adopted dad Eric, as well as his uncle, David Duer, and in his later months another uncle, Phil Thorsen. He traveled to Groveland, IL once to visit his father's family and was well taken care of by his grandmother Rosy. Grandma Rosy even sent him back home with some treats to help his color. He lived in 3 homes and enjoyed each one, though his favorite was his name sake Glenn Hall. In the residential hall, he was visited often by various residents and especially enjoyed it when all the staff would meet in the living room and eat his dad's candy.

A private memorial service was held at 12:00 pm, Thursday, July 20th at home of Phil Thorsen and David Duer. It included a three flush salute.

From "The Message"

God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing.
You have bedded me down in lush meadows,
you find me quiet pools to drink from.
True to your word,
you let me catch my breath
and send me in the right direction.

Even when the way goes through
Death Valley,
I'm not afraid
when you walk at my side.
Your trusty shepherd's crook
makes me feel secure.

You serve me a six-course dinner
right in front of my enemies.
You revive my drooping head;
my cup brims with blessing.

Your beauty and love chase after me
every day of my life.
I'm back home in the house of God
for the rest of my life.

Cloud or Water

I feel like I am at crossroads and I don't know if God is asking me to wait for a sign like the pillar of cloud or to step out in faith like Peter did. Is it possible to "disobey" God because you are not trusting enough for him to take care of you? I have no idea.

Hellos and Goodbyes

I have returned to Auburn with so many mixed emotions. I just spent a week with a beloved friend who was getting married and in the process met a few more friends who I truely miss now. This was my first vacation to IL that did not have some moment of wanting to be at home. No Bell's palsy, no car messing up. It was a complete vacation and I did not miss Auburn nor the people. I was able to replace most of them with counterparts. You may question the ability to do this in just a week but it happened. I feel like I have had my quota of hellos and goodbyes to last me awhile. Two different people I met last week when they emailed me mentioned how after only 3 days they felt like we were long time friends and they are correct. I know with email we can stay "in touch" but at the same time there is a loss as I know that many of these people I will never see again this side of heaven. There is something so amazing that happens when two Christians meet and bond. I was very blessed by one young man who kept me laughing all week but also was willing to share his heart with me and we were able to bond in our life circumstances.

I also was able to see Eric's grandmother again who reminds me so much of my Grandmother Duer. In fact, she wore a dress for the wedding that I am almost postive Grandma Duer had. Grandma Ruth was her name and she had just suffered the loss of her "boyfriend" to cancer. Her face showed her hurt as she told me how much she missed him.

Sometimes I think blog writer's blog comes from the first field to fill out "Title." I think they should put it at the end so you can write first with out trying to figure out if the title is relavant to what you end up talking about. I had 3 different titles in there before I decide to just leave it blank.

Travels:
I will be leaving this Sunday morning for a trip to IL to see one of my best friends and spend a week with him and end the week participating in his wedding. I am really excited though I have never driven so long before by myself. Luckily I have a few books downloaded to my iPod for the trip.

Becoming my Dad:
The older I get the more I realize how many traits and habits I have that my Dad has. The funniest realization was last week. I keep my office candy jars filled so I keep my stash in my desk drawers. Last week as I was opening it up, I realized that my Dad when he owned the Western Auto Store growing up, also had a stash in the same drawer of his desk. I can remember as a child, opening it up to see what I could snack on after school.

Week at the Office:
In preparation of my vacation to IL, I have had to get all my ducks in a row at the office, I am amazed at how effiecent I am when I know I am heading out of town. I am able to do the work in 2 days that it usually takes me 4 days to accomplish. Granted some tasks and projects get push off till later, but still, I wish I could be more driven all the time.

Gone on before us:
I have missed my Grandmother Duer a lot this month. Don't know why, this month is not special for her, nor me. I just have missed her presence in my life though it was aroud 10 years ago when she died. She was one of those grandmothers who even when I did wrong, still thought I could accomplish whatever task was put before me. I pray that she is finding me faithful to the faith she helped instill in me.

Beatles:
If had a few hundred dollars to just throw away, I would buy a plane ticket to Las Vegas and catch the Cirque de Soliel's show feature the Beatle's music.

Debt:
Speaking of throwing money away, I am in the throws of deciding whether to go in to debt a little more and take some classes here at AUburn University. The problem is, I can't decide what to take. No inventory or test has given me a clear brain signal as to what direction I should take.

Here is the only picture I have of when I let my hair and beard grow out for Fiddler. Nancy requested I posted it and since she has written a book and all, I figured I should do what the celebrities wish of me. Sorry for the graininess of the pic, the theatre group had taken pictures and laminated them so this was the best I could do. 

thoughts

Last night I attended New Horizon Theatre Company's award banquet. Since I had grown a beard for Fiddler, very few people immediately recognized me without my beard. In fact, one girl stood right next to me and did not talk to me, only to 20 minutes later see me from a far and ask when I got here. I sat next to a lady who was a hair dresser and owned a small store in Valley, AL but had travelled all over the world, though her dream place, Hawaii, she had not reached.

Sometimes dreams and wishes blind the reality of experiences.

It was comforting and uncomforting to be in a room full of people who really don't know who I am. All they know of me is what they saw for 8 weeks of my life. My favorite quote of the evening was "you can tell a lot about a person by who he hands around." I think of Jesus and who he hung around and feel challenged that most people I hang around look and think almost exactly like me. One more area of my life I need to work on.

I find that the more I truly work on myself to be a better Christian, the more I realize exactly how screwed up I am.

As I was leaving, a guy who I thought he and I never really connected with and honestly thought tolorated me, shook my hand and encouraged me to come back and said in parting "these are good people, we really need you here" But to be a part of this theatre company, sacrifices would have to be made. Cost of gas, missing midweek church services for practice and time in general.

Why is it that wonderful opportunities always have a price?

On the way home, I called a friend who had just become betrothed. I think I said, "so happy for you" or "sincerely happy for you" 10 or so times. I did blundered through my words when I also said I was nervous...I still don't know exactly what I meant. I am not nervous for them as a couple. I think the nervousness comes about myself. As more and more of my friends get married I wonder can I survive being single. I think I am scared about becoming invisible to the married folks around me. Perhaps that is why I was so verbose about being happy for them. I wanted to make sure that even though I am scared about me...I am still happy for them.

Sincereity is difficult over the phone.

I arrived home at around 10pm. My roommate was not home. Unfortunate for him, I have become a tad bothersome in my opinion. I have noticed an increase in asking him where he is going and what he is doing. I am turning into a parent but have no kids. My motives are 100% pure but it is a double standard because I hate it when people do it to me. He seemingly graciously accepts my questions and bares with me in my parental tendancy. He is a great roommate.

Why do roommates shine the light on our mistakes and issues so well?

Sometimes life is just too complicated to explain in a blog. Backstories seem to lengthy to explain and situations are determined to be private rather than public. A mid-westerner by birth recently commented to me that southerners keep a facade about them. You go up to a man whose life is falling down around them and yet he says he is "doing good." I can argue if that is true or not. I know I have been guilty of it but I don't think it is because I am southern. For me it is because I am tired of hurting, tired of losing hope. In the vernacular of a southerner..I'm just plain sick and tired" of life. And yet in the middle of my yuckiness, I hear a song. This is the song I heard last night.

Give us faith to be strong
Father, we are so weak
Our bodies are fragile and weary
As we stagger and stumble to walk where you lead
Give us faith to be strong

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong

Give us peace when we're torn
Mend us up when we break
This flesh can be wounded and shaking
When there's much too much trouble for one heart to take
Give us peace when we're torn

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong

Give us hearts to find hope
Father, we cannot see
How the sorrow we feel can bring freedom
And as hard as we try, Lord, it's hard to believe
So, give us hearts to find hope

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us faith, faith to be strong

Andrew Peterson, Faith to be Strong.

Free Will

Recently I have been having some great dialouge with a friend about the idea of free will. I posed him this question and thought it would be healthy to get some other responses as well:

This logic probably has tons of holes...so feel free to find them: If we do have 100% free will, i.e. choice to follow or not follow, then that would mean that no matter what "nature" tendencies we are dealt with, we still have a choice to choose the path of God. So free will actually removes the crutch or argument, I was born this way or it is just who I am. If fact 100% free will gives me the idea that I am not tied down to conventional methods of life. What do you think?

Hamming it up

Well, I succesfully hosted my first holiday meal, unless you count Valetine's Day a few years ago. But this meal went wonderfully. My mom cooked a few casseroles and I baked a ham. If you read my previous post you will remember that it was just under 19 lbs. So right now my freezer has plenty of ham for the taking. I have been perusing recipes to get some ideas for uses. It was such a blessing to be able to join in fellowship with my parents and grandmother as well as old and new friends for Easter Dinner. It made me appreciate all the ones before me who had cooked holiday meals on a Sunday. How did they manage to get it all done? Next year I will be wiser and get a smaller ham. Hope everyone out there had a tremendous Easter.

My Easter Ham

This year I am going for the big challenge. I am cooking for my parents, grandmother and some friends for Easter dinner. Honestly I am nervous!!! Not because I will cook anything deadly, just because I have a 18 lb ham. My friend David called me a few weeks ago and said the Auburn University Meat lab were selling their hams for 2.09. I of course knew it was 2.09 a pound but he thought it was 2.09 for the entire ham. One could surmise he has not cooked a lot. Anyway...So I said put me down for a whole ham, thinking it would be 10-12 lbs. I got one of the smaller ones there...these pigs were huge!! So now I am realize that my ham will be cooking in the oven for 5 to 6 hours. What have I gotten myself into? Any recipes for leftover ham..we will definitely have some!!!

What to do?

I was driving down Samford Avenue this morning to get my car's oil changed and this dog ran in front of my car. I slammed on my brakes, my tires screeched but not soon enough. I hit the poor dog, I was about to open the door when I saw him jump up and hobble away, followed by another dog. They ran away. I did not know what to do. I drove ahead a little to see if he stopped but he didn't he ran into the bushes with the other dog. If he had stopped I might could have located the owner but he ran away...so now what...He had a slight limp when he ran but I still feel like a jerk for not letting the owner know.

What's Your Sign?

Today I had a wonderful conversation (albeit online through google chat) with a good friend, I invite you into my conversation...it was edited a tad and the context really doesn't matter to the blog. Please also note that I have part of my slogan thanks to Sarah's comment on my previous post.

me: Waiting on a sign from God
Friend: ew
me: unfortunately he keeps saying step out in faith but no specifics
Friend: what does that even mean?
me: heck if I know :-)
Friend: dude, the phrase "waiting on a sign from God" is crap.
Stop waiting for a sign, and make a decision and do it.
me: hey...I know that...
Friend: It's just that simple. You lack discipline.
me: I just like saying it because I envision a giant billboard on the interstate...saying...Duer....this is what I want
Friend: (try and imagine that line with an Arnold accent, and you'll get the full effect)
me: ummm ok
Friend: Oh, that's what you want? Too easy. It's in the bible. =)
me: No...I know myself too well...if that did happen I would grumble and complain that this is not what I wanted to do
This way I just shuffle my feet and stay inert
Friend: You should get a tattoo of that phrase on your back: "I just shuffle my feet and stay inert"
Punk goth kids would think you are awesome
It's laden with all sorts of existential angst - they love that.
me: I will put that on my tombstone after I hit the billboard and die
Friend: Yes! That will be even better.
So, now that you have read the billboard - Do justice, love mercy, walk humbly and all that - what are you going to do?

Though I was somewhat joking, there is a part of me that would love a "voice from heaven moment" just because there would be no question. But as I analyze that thinking process I quickly discover that with no question comes a greater sign of lack of faith. Jesus provided many billboard or a slap your hand on your forhead moments and yet we still have disowning Peter and doubting Thomas to name a few.

Do we learn better when we go though the unsure times than when we have a "go and do" moment. Because in the former, trust is in God but the latter trust is in doing rather than whom you're doing it for.

So what's your sign say?

A Most Hated Question

There are many questions I cringe at when asked, but the one that takes the cake is....(drumroll)...."If you could do anything as a career, what would it be?" That question sends shivers up my spine and makes me generally uncomfortable. Yes I do realize that by telling the blog-world this many of my friends who read this will be anticipating the next time they see me so they can ask me the question.
But truthfully...I despise that question, because I can't answer it. I can't pin down a dream job. There are times when I am asked that question and am flooded with thoughts of jobs I would like to do but are so far fetched they are ridiculus...(Work for Cirque de Soliel or a Master Chef at a nice resturant). Then there are other times when I feel this overwhelming since of guilt if I am honest and tell people what I really want to do...because if I do then that will be proud and haughty of me....(yes I realize this is stinkin' thinkin'.....I am working on it) So I will refrain and just get all uncomfortable. It is like a curse of the mind. I can win for losing and can't lose for winning.

Just a clarifier....I am not upset nor frustrated at those who ask...I just wish I had an answer for them....perhaps it is my age old struggle of trying to be right instead of faithful rearing it's ugly head.

Who Am I?

Over the past few months, I have struggled with a question
Who am I?
Perhaps it is because my emotion is greater than my logic at times.
Perhaps it is because I struggle so much with being true to myself rather than adapting to the whims of people around me.
So I ask myself...who am I?

Today, I am an office manager, but what does that mean, even my employers aren't presently sure.
Today I am a Christian, but many times, more than should, I question this for I see the evil that creeps in and takes hold.
Today I am a son, the third son in fact to a family, I am an oops child. So am I a mistake?
Today I am a brother, brother-in-law, and uncle, but I am not there all the time and many times I am the lone family member not at events. I know...bad uncle.
Today I am a friend to people, yet there are some who used to be my friends that I have hurt them or even forgotten.
Today I am a failure and a small bit of success rolled into one somewhat overweight package of a human being.
Today I am a wealthy person by some and a poor person to others in terms of money.
TODAY I AM LOST

I have been lost for awhile. Many of the foundations I have leaned upon in the past have been removed and so I am as unsecure as the legs of a new born giraffe. So I don't know who I am anymore. My entire life is one big discombobulated moment. A giant juggler of life and the bowling pins are dropping like flies. There have been many times this past year when I just want to quit. Who am I? I just don't know. I have had my run of pithy statements that all result in me feeling more frustrated and confused. Is it true, that if I am asking myself if I am crazy, then I must not be crazy?

So who am I? I am a wanderer in search of answers.

I had invited some friends over on Saturday evening to watch the final four basketball games. It also happened to be Phil's (my roommate) birthday. However, during the course of the week, I somehow double booked myself. Andrew, AKA Butch, needed a ride back from the airport on Saturday evening, so I called upon my good friend Nathan to take my car and pick him up in Atlanta. So around 9:40, I get a phone call from Andrew, saying that they were stranded on the side of the road. My stomach dropped, because my car about a year ago had some unfortunate and expensive engine trouble. So I asked what was wrong and he said..."It blew a rod". Now I am not car smart but I knew that was not good. So I said ok...I will leave to pick you up. So I asked Phil if I could borrow his car and headed to the interstate. I then realized I did not even ask if they were ok. So I called them back and checked on them and they were ok. So I asked a few more questions...Like do you mean a tire rod or an engine rod....Of course he replied engine rod. So after I hung up, I drove in complete silence outlying my plan for living without a car for a few months. About five minutes later, Nathan calls and tells me April Fool's. Needless to say I was emotionally discombobulated. So once my heart started pumping again and oxygen getting back to my brain, I politely joined in with a small chuckle and said I would meet you at the house. I must say....It did teach me a lesson about how much stock I had placed on a car as well as how much I take it forgranted. Nathan and Andrew are still my friends and no harm came to them.

Sunday was a blur. I went to church and actually got to sit in a pew this week for almost the entire service. Learning to let go and let others do things their way is difficult but in the long run the best thing for me. I took a nap after church, then Nathan and I headed to Atlanta to see Cirque De Soliel's newest show Delirium. It was awesome! It was unlike the Cirque show the Band of Bro's saw in Orlando. This was almost too intense and overstimulated. We arrived back in Auburn around 1:00am. I was so keyed up that I went and worked at the office for about 30 minutes or so.

It was a busy weekend but enjoyable.

DD

And the Curtain Closes

L'Chiam!

This past weekend was the culmination of 8 weeks of rehearsals as I performed with the New Horizon Theatre company in a production of Fiddler on the Roof. In looking back, I have fewer regrets than I thought I would at the half way mark. I eventually found friends to talk with and cut up with. I gained new perspectives into teenagers growing up during these times. I was reminded that everyone...everyone...needs a compliment or two each day. People have asked me if I am glad I did this. I always answer...I think so. I did miss my Auburn social life and missed my midweek Bible Class time at church, which admittedly surprised me. But on the other hand...I loved getting to know people who were not like me, who believe in God and yet dressed differently than I did. (Can you see me in a pair of baggy pants with giant safety pins?) I learned to appreciate the fact that I 30 years old and out of the high school drama of why Suzi is not talking to Joe. So the answer remains...i think so.

I typically have post-production depression because I am a creature of habit and when my habit is removed I feel lost. I have not expreienced it to the degree that I usually do. Perhaps it is because this week has been filled with social times of talking with close friends and loved ones. And what is even more wonderful is I have many other people I need to catch up with.

In other news, we caught one of the squirrels on Monday. Birdseed was the bait that trapped him. We have reset the trap because we heard another one. So hopefully we will not have to wait as long.

So to all those readers who thought I had quit blogging...I am back.

Oh...don't forget to spring foward this weekend. Time Changes Baby!