What's Your Sign?

Today I had a wonderful conversation (albeit online through google chat) with a good friend, I invite you into my conversation...it was edited a tad and the context really doesn't matter to the blog. Please also note that I have part of my slogan thanks to Sarah's comment on my previous post.

me: Waiting on a sign from God
Friend: ew
me: unfortunately he keeps saying step out in faith but no specifics
Friend: what does that even mean?
me: heck if I know :-)
Friend: dude, the phrase "waiting on a sign from God" is crap.
Stop waiting for a sign, and make a decision and do it.
me: hey...I know that...
Friend: It's just that simple. You lack discipline.
me: I just like saying it because I envision a giant billboard on the interstate...saying...Duer....this is what I want
Friend: (try and imagine that line with an Arnold accent, and you'll get the full effect)
me: ummm ok
Friend: Oh, that's what you want? Too easy. It's in the bible. =)
me: No...I know myself too well...if that did happen I would grumble and complain that this is not what I wanted to do
This way I just shuffle my feet and stay inert
Friend: You should get a tattoo of that phrase on your back: "I just shuffle my feet and stay inert"
Punk goth kids would think you are awesome
It's laden with all sorts of existential angst - they love that.
me: I will put that on my tombstone after I hit the billboard and die
Friend: Yes! That will be even better.
So, now that you have read the billboard - Do justice, love mercy, walk humbly and all that - what are you going to do?

Though I was somewhat joking, there is a part of me that would love a "voice from heaven moment" just because there would be no question. But as I analyze that thinking process I quickly discover that with no question comes a greater sign of lack of faith. Jesus provided many billboard or a slap your hand on your forhead moments and yet we still have disowning Peter and doubting Thomas to name a few.

Do we learn better when we go though the unsure times than when we have a "go and do" moment. Because in the former, trust is in God but the latter trust is in doing rather than whom you're doing it for.

So what's your sign say?

A Most Hated Question

There are many questions I cringe at when asked, but the one that takes the cake is....(drumroll)...."If you could do anything as a career, what would it be?" That question sends shivers up my spine and makes me generally uncomfortable. Yes I do realize that by telling the blog-world this many of my friends who read this will be anticipating the next time they see me so they can ask me the question.
But truthfully...I despise that question, because I can't answer it. I can't pin down a dream job. There are times when I am asked that question and am flooded with thoughts of jobs I would like to do but are so far fetched they are ridiculus...(Work for Cirque de Soliel or a Master Chef at a nice resturant). Then there are other times when I feel this overwhelming since of guilt if I am honest and tell people what I really want to do...because if I do then that will be proud and haughty of me....(yes I realize this is stinkin' thinkin'.....I am working on it) So I will refrain and just get all uncomfortable. It is like a curse of the mind. I can win for losing and can't lose for winning.

Just a clarifier....I am not upset nor frustrated at those who ask...I just wish I had an answer for them....perhaps it is my age old struggle of trying to be right instead of faithful rearing it's ugly head.

Who Am I?

Over the past few months, I have struggled with a question
Who am I?
Perhaps it is because my emotion is greater than my logic at times.
Perhaps it is because I struggle so much with being true to myself rather than adapting to the whims of people around me.
So I ask myself...who am I?

Today, I am an office manager, but what does that mean, even my employers aren't presently sure.
Today I am a Christian, but many times, more than should, I question this for I see the evil that creeps in and takes hold.
Today I am a son, the third son in fact to a family, I am an oops child. So am I a mistake?
Today I am a brother, brother-in-law, and uncle, but I am not there all the time and many times I am the lone family member not at events. I know...bad uncle.
Today I am a friend to people, yet there are some who used to be my friends that I have hurt them or even forgotten.
Today I am a failure and a small bit of success rolled into one somewhat overweight package of a human being.
Today I am a wealthy person by some and a poor person to others in terms of money.
TODAY I AM LOST

I have been lost for awhile. Many of the foundations I have leaned upon in the past have been removed and so I am as unsecure as the legs of a new born giraffe. So I don't know who I am anymore. My entire life is one big discombobulated moment. A giant juggler of life and the bowling pins are dropping like flies. There have been many times this past year when I just want to quit. Who am I? I just don't know. I have had my run of pithy statements that all result in me feeling more frustrated and confused. Is it true, that if I am asking myself if I am crazy, then I must not be crazy?

So who am I? I am a wanderer in search of answers.

I had invited some friends over on Saturday evening to watch the final four basketball games. It also happened to be Phil's (my roommate) birthday. However, during the course of the week, I somehow double booked myself. Andrew, AKA Butch, needed a ride back from the airport on Saturday evening, so I called upon my good friend Nathan to take my car and pick him up in Atlanta. So around 9:40, I get a phone call from Andrew, saying that they were stranded on the side of the road. My stomach dropped, because my car about a year ago had some unfortunate and expensive engine trouble. So I asked what was wrong and he said..."It blew a rod". Now I am not car smart but I knew that was not good. So I said ok...I will leave to pick you up. So I asked Phil if I could borrow his car and headed to the interstate. I then realized I did not even ask if they were ok. So I called them back and checked on them and they were ok. So I asked a few more questions...Like do you mean a tire rod or an engine rod....Of course he replied engine rod. So after I hung up, I drove in complete silence outlying my plan for living without a car for a few months. About five minutes later, Nathan calls and tells me April Fool's. Needless to say I was emotionally discombobulated. So once my heart started pumping again and oxygen getting back to my brain, I politely joined in with a small chuckle and said I would meet you at the house. I must say....It did teach me a lesson about how much stock I had placed on a car as well as how much I take it forgranted. Nathan and Andrew are still my friends and no harm came to them.

Sunday was a blur. I went to church and actually got to sit in a pew this week for almost the entire service. Learning to let go and let others do things their way is difficult but in the long run the best thing for me. I took a nap after church, then Nathan and I headed to Atlanta to see Cirque De Soliel's newest show Delirium. It was awesome! It was unlike the Cirque show the Band of Bro's saw in Orlando. This was almost too intense and overstimulated. We arrived back in Auburn around 1:00am. I was so keyed up that I went and worked at the office for about 30 minutes or so.

It was a busy weekend but enjoyable.

DD

And the Curtain Closes

L'Chiam!

This past weekend was the culmination of 8 weeks of rehearsals as I performed with the New Horizon Theatre company in a production of Fiddler on the Roof. In looking back, I have fewer regrets than I thought I would at the half way mark. I eventually found friends to talk with and cut up with. I gained new perspectives into teenagers growing up during these times. I was reminded that everyone...everyone...needs a compliment or two each day. People have asked me if I am glad I did this. I always answer...I think so. I did miss my Auburn social life and missed my midweek Bible Class time at church, which admittedly surprised me. But on the other hand...I loved getting to know people who were not like me, who believe in God and yet dressed differently than I did. (Can you see me in a pair of baggy pants with giant safety pins?) I learned to appreciate the fact that I 30 years old and out of the high school drama of why Suzi is not talking to Joe. So the answer remains...i think so.

I typically have post-production depression because I am a creature of habit and when my habit is removed I feel lost. I have not expreienced it to the degree that I usually do. Perhaps it is because this week has been filled with social times of talking with close friends and loved ones. And what is even more wonderful is I have many other people I need to catch up with.

In other news, we caught one of the squirrels on Monday. Birdseed was the bait that trapped him. We have reset the trap because we heard another one. So hopefully we will not have to wait as long.

So to all those readers who thought I had quit blogging...I am back.

Oh...don't forget to spring foward this weekend. Time Changes Baby!

Yes it has been awhile

My apoligies to those who have been waiting with great anticipation for my next blog. I have had a lot of ideas crop into my head about what to blog about.

Kicking a Wet Dandelion
We recently have had a lot of rain, one day I was walking to work and I felt somewhat childish and decided to kick the white puffy seed bloom of a dandelion. What is usually a somewhat fun sight of seeing the bloom burst into pieces and float away was a yucky mess on my shoe because of all the rain. Life is often like that. Getting bogged down with circumstances of life that we are impaired in doing the job we are called to do and we end up making a mess rather than flying free and unhindered.

Draining Self-help
I am currently reading 2 books that are in the genre of "self-help" Both are helping me, but both simply drain me. After spending 2 hours reading one of them I did not want to talk or do anything. But alas life goes on and you have to go out into the world. A close friend and mentor remarked at how quiet I am right now. I think it is because I am in conflict with myself. I know what I am working on is the right thing to do, but it does not remove the difficultness of it. Even Christian "self-help" books have a tendancy to emphasize "My work" instead of God's work. So I am in conflict trying to navigate the path I am on, praying that it is a path of God's blessings.

Purging
Saturday I went to my parents' home and begun a task that I thought would be dreadful...cleaning out my room. I am far from finished but a lot of the junk has been removed. I also found a lot of letters. Some are "love-notes" from my ACSC (campus Ministry) days, others were actual love notes from previous girlfriends. So I followed the path of many TV shows and had a Keep and throw away pile. I threw a lot of stuff away at home but then some stuff I put in the keep pile until I got to my house. I have been wanting to test out my fire place and decided that this was the night to do it. So old records and a few of those love notes went into the fire. I understand again, the concept of fire being a cleansing tool. Many of those papers represented hurt and frustration, some were plain happiness. Burning them did not erase any memory but it did help me categorize them and deal with them. There are still a few documents that I want to burn but did not because they are hard to let go of. What is interesting is that they represent some of the most painful stuff and yet I hold on to them for security. Granted...I know this is not the most healthiess thing to hold on to bad memories. I often joke with my friends about praying for God to remove this or that from my life immediately. As much as it sounds cool and enjoyable. I am not sure I would be the person I am if all the pain were just removed. Needless to say, my room is a lot more organized and I can hit the closet next. Who knows what lurks in those shadows.

The Irony of God

As some of you know having kept up with my blog that I am in rehearsals for the musical "Fiddler on the Roof." with the New Horizon Theatre in West Point, GA. Well it is has been somewhat a difficult process. Mainly because I am out of my comfort zone. Everyone knows everyone but me. Most of these people have friends and family members also in the play and it is more of a family community so being a single guy I just feel plain out of place at times.

So I have complained to God about it and to others. There was a small part of me wanting to quit. But since I was raised with finishing what I started. I have stuck it out. Well the past two weeks have shown improvement. I now feel like Sally Fields in that "They like me...the really like me" Here are a few examples....

Last week, I was talking with 2 teenage girls and one of the girls said to the other..."Let me show you what Sandy did to her husband." She then preceded to pull on my beard. I stood there...mouth open...and said.."You are a very brave girl" The then said..."Please don't hurt me"

Then just last night, a kid of one of the cast members sat right next to me. I introduced myself and he preceded to tell me his name, we made some small talk and then he pointed at a sore on his lip and said "Look at this". I asked, "What happened?" He replied "It's an ulcer." I replied, "Yeah, I get those too". He said "You have herpes." After asking him to repeat himself, he explained that ulcers and cold sore mean you have herpes.

So as you can see, God has answered my prayers for being liked and accepted by having my beard pulled on and being told I have herpes.

Joking aside, It has been a learning process because I can now identify with visitors at my church who feel like everyone knows everyone and feel out of place.

The Four Things Tag

I really think this tagging is a ploy to re-awaken dying blogs but ok, I will play along with my brother's request.

Four Jobs I've Had:
Computer/Copier Repair with Business System and Services
Ladies Shoes Salesperson/Jr. Department Manager with Gayfer's Department Store
Office Manager for Auburn Church of Christ
Seasonal Engraver with Heartstrings Entreprises


Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over:
The Princess Bride
Dead Poet's Society
American President
Finding Nemo

Four Books I Could Read Over and Over:
Harry Potter by JK Rowling
Chronicles of Narnia by CS Lewis
Mitford Series by Jan Karon
I & II Samuel (I really like David's life...the good and bad)

Four Places I've Lived:
Opelika, Alabama
Montgomery, Alabama - 9 months
Auburn, Alabama
Wiston-Salem, North Carolina - 4 months

Four TV Shows I Watch:
Lost
Clean House
It Takes a Thief
CSI


Four Places I’ve Been on Vacation:
Washington DC
Orlando, Florida
Peoria Area, IL
Brevard Area, NC (Camping, waterfalls)

Four Websites I Visit Daily: (I really don't check pages daily, but here are some I look at quite frequently)
ESPN.COM (I do not like their new home page format)
www.jkrowling.com: She has a really cool website
www.msn.com for the news
www.biblegateway.com for the Bible


Four Favorite Foods:
Mexican Casserole (you know the one with velvetta, chili, rotel tomatoes, etc.)
4-layer Chocolate Dessert
Chicken Fingers (Zaxby's & TendaChick are my favorites)
Niffer's--99% of everything I have eaten there is my favorite.


Four Places I’d Like to Be Right Now:
In a room with my closest friends sitting around a fireplace with snow falling outside
Touring the Midwest (Montanta, Colorado are high on my list)
Ireland
playing a board game with my family and friends

I realize that by not passing on the tagging, I am breaking the chain and will probably suffer a horrible death or 30 years bad luck but I just haven't got time to worry about that right now.

Sick & thoughtful

It is almost 1:00 AM and I should be in bed. I have been fighting a cold and I am sure this is not helping the healing. I guess right now I am just in a thoughtful mood. A dear friend of mine is a teacher in IL. His school has had 7 students die in 6 months. I just finished reading the obit and related article. The last student to die was 17. In listing her acolades, she was listed as a Teen for Christ.

So right now, much like the beaver in Narnia, I understand right now that God is not safe. Please understand what I am saying. We are not promised tomorrow. We could be checking out at any moment. Why does it take death to remind us that life is a vapor.

For those out in blogland that are wondering...no....no squirrel capture. Though I am getting concerned. I saw two squirrels the other day. I am praying that they are bachelors or batchelorettes.

Someone recently said that they feel that bloggers are narcissitic. I don't know...perhaps she was correct. What is the motivation behind blogging? Can it be pinned down to a simple understanding?

My brother in his blog says Change is a coming. I think perhaps change is always there. Sometimes it is a really cool yet slow-moving automatic sidewalk ...and other times it is a train barrelling at you and you grab on and hold on for the ride. It is all in your perspective. Can you imagine being a Jew on the day of Pentecost when Peter preached. That was a train ride change to say the least. But yet it still had slow movements at time.

Well i have yawn enough so I guess I will go to sleep.

Bicycle Seats and Songs

You ever had a day where everywhere you went you were reminded of someone close to you? That was me today. The people I was reminded of are not dead, just gone from Auburn, but it still made me very pensive. I care deeply for my friends. In many ways they are my family addition. Some talk about getting wives, husbands, children and the like...I talk about finding close friends.

The most funny remembrance today was at the post office, when I saw someone getting on to their bicycle. The seat was at the correct height. I thought...Adam would have been pleased to see this, for you see one of Adam's many things that he is prone to go on and on about is the height of bicycle seats. He hates seeing people ride with incorrect heights. Personally, I don't care. But it made me smile, so I guess that is what have good memories is all about.

The squirrel is still here at the office. The problem is he won't eat the food in the trap because he can get outside and get food...however we don't want to trap him in the house because he could cause real havoc. The idea of shotgun is looking more and more appealing.

The funniest thing I witnessed today was a person walking up to the postal clerk with a folded down box and asking how the box worked.

Oh well.... onward and upward.

I have seen the critter

So last night Jim Armstrong, my good friend and Wildlife guru brought some traps to catch this critter. So this morning I began the task I have been avoiding for a month or so. Cleaning out the area so we can lay the traps. Well it was just too dark for my comfort so I brought in a halogen work lamp and set to work. As you will know from my previous post, I am a scaredy cat to the core so my neck is all tense and blood pressure on the rise because I do not like being scared or surprised...especially by an animal. So after quitting twice because my nerves could not handle it. I mustered up my courage and had a look. At first all I could see was his nest. THIS AINT A MOUSE. I TOLD YOU IT WAS NOT A MOUSE. Then with the work lamp...I peered a little bit deeper in and there were two beady eyes. My heart jumped a few beats and I peered a little bit more to see the bushy tail. It is a squirrel. Of course I feel much better that it is a squirrel than a rat but I still am tense and my body aches. So since I now know what it is, I can put off cleaning out a little more till Jim A. comes to set the trap. Don't worry it is a hav-a-heart trap...he will not be killed.

Speaking of squirrels, we have a white squirrel that lives near our house. I had first seen it a few days after I moved in and thought...wow...he is old. But when Adam saw it was like wow...you don't seen many of those. Now I don't think it is an albino because he does not have the red eyes. He comes to the back of the house on occasion to roll in the dirt. I guess his form of adaptation. I was concerned recently because I have not seen him, but Phil told me today that he saw him yesterday.

All I can saw...is Squeak, squeak, squeaker, squeakins!

Speaking of Scaredy Cat

We currently have a visitor living with us here at the office. I am pretty sure it is a rat. For some reason, I can not be agressive enough to get rid of him. I did my part...I placed traps. I feel it is his responsibility to commit sucide for a taste of peanut butter. That way I don't have to hear him scampering across the ceiling. He has found a way to get between the ceiling and floor upstairs.

Rodents bother me. I blame The Princess Bride, the R.O.U.S's (Rodents of Unusual Size) and the rat from Lady and the Tramp for my feelings towards rats. Even though there is Splinter for Teenage Muntant Ninja Turtles and Templeton from Charolotte's Web....I still find them evil and ugly.

Perhaps tomorrow I will attack the attic storage area and try to get rid of him.

DD

Scaredy Cat

I admit it. I am a scaredy cat. I jump at the slightest noise if I am in the kitchen washing dishes. The best example I have is that my mother painted my face one Halloween as Count Dracula. So I was led to the mirror to see the finished project and I jumped. I scared my own self. I know pretty sad. It even affects my movie choices. For example....I have wanted to see The Village for a very long time because I really like M. Night Shyamalan work, but I can only handle so much suspense. I get all tense and such. Well the previews of The Village had lead me to believe of monsters which is a direct link to scary horror things. So I avoided it. Well I finally summed up the courage to rent it during the holidays but I let it sit there. Still not wanting to be scared. So finally after it had occured 2 late fees I watched it. Boy did I feel stupid. It was not bad at all. I only jumped once and I even had prepared myself when the creepy music started that something was going to happen. So perhaps this was a lesson for me not to be afraid of facing my scaredy cat-ness from time to time.

Guys Rule!!!!

For those that read my friend Kara's blog, you are aware of the Annual Gingerbread building celebration held each year by the wonderful Commander family who "adopted" the Band and Kara into their family last year.
This year, Phil & Jared, took control of the men's side with the advisement of Jon C. and the hands off decision of myself. At the time this picture was taken...the girls house was suffering the effects of icing avalanche and collapsing. So needless to say...This year...was the year of guys!

Beyond the icing and the gumdrop buttons, there is a peace and joy that we all feel when we are in that house. God has blessed us with a family who gives great hugs and laughs loud. But they also share their hurts and dreams with us and it is in those moments that I understand community.

Better luck next year girls.

2 root canals and a partridge in a pear tree?

Yep, just got back from the dentist. Lips still numb. Dull pain ever present. I knew I would need both of the done, so when the dentist said which one, I said both and let's just get it over with. My regular dentist has begun to refer me to a specialist for these root canals. That is fine I guess, but I am tired of hearing how long my roots are. This time it was not only how long but how curved they are. Oh well, I know what I am getting myself for Christmas...All I want for Christmas is 2 capped teeth just doesn't have the same ring to it.

For those who don't know, I will be playing the part of Fyedka, in Fiddler on the Roof. I am really excited even though I probably will not be singing a lot. But for some reason, I just don't see myself as a 20 something Russian peasant farmer. The first Rehearsal is Jan 5, the same day as part 2 of my rootcanal work. Just hope my lips are un-numbed before rehearsal.

Last Night

I was heading to audition for Fiddler on The Roof with a community theatre group in West Pt., GA. I take the exit and start seeing flashing lights and people lined up along the road. It is 6:45 their time so it was way dark. I then see in the distance more flashing lights and realize that they are about to have a Christmas parade. Of course the next direction I needed to turn was left which would have cut through the parade. So I was stuck. So I drove around till I could get to the place.
I walked in, signed my name and stuff and then sat down. So finally a lady stands up and announces that the director will not be there due to a banquet he had to attend but should arrive later on. I thought...great...this is off to a wonderful start. So then they pass out the music, well they did not have enough to go around so I shared with this over eager old man who had been at auditions the previous night, and tonight he was wearing a Fiddler on the Roof t-shirt. Good grief! So he did not bring his glasses so we have to hold the sheet out at arms length so he can read it. He breath was horrible and when it was just the ladies he sang along with them. Then when it was time to audition the reading parts, he weaselled his way to reading for Tevye (the lead character). Granted he was not too bad but still. So it was around 8:00 est and the director still had not shown up. The poducer and music director had done all they could do so the producer stood up and said.."Well, since he knows all of you, there is no reason for us to stay" I was like...I have never met the guy, how does she know who he knows. So I left the theatre feeling very frustrated and really doubting if this is what God wants since things have been so difficult. So on my drive back to Auburn, I was fight the pity party invitation hard. I kept telling myself to trust God and that God will open and close doors as he wills. I may be disappointed now but later I may be glad. I felt the need to reward myself after a blah day, well no one was available to eat and the movie I wanted to see was already showing and the next showing was at 10:30. So I had truely reached my blah point when who should call but Eric, one of my closest friends. I God good or what?! We only spoke briefly but it was what I needed. I spent the rest of the evening still frustrated but much more content that God is in control and does know exactly what I need, when I need it.

wide awake

So before the days of blogs and the WWW, what did people do when they woke up in the middle of the night and were wide awake?

As you can determine from my brother's comment on the post below, I celebrated my 30th birthday last Friday. It's a funny thing sliding into another decade. My last slide was bumpy and I was extremely unsure of myself. 10 years later it was less bumpy but I am still unsure of myself. However, after my last comment, I have been trying to intentionally see God in the small things of life which has been rewarding but yet I have still slipped back into the blinders so easily from time to time. For example.... (names have been changed to protect those who I have not asked permission)

Last Thursday God taught me a valuable lesson, it was a refresher course but boy did it pack a punch. I am working a part time job to help pay off my car bill from my trip to IL (see Odysey post below) and they scheduled me to work from 6-midnight but for the past week they had cut the shifts short due to lack of work. SO here I was thinking about all the money I wasn't making and the things I was missing out of because I did not know I was going to have the night off. So around 7:30 I walk in the door grumbling to myself, not really wanting to be home but home nonetheless. I check my email and there is an email from a dear close friend,Lilly, who was checking up on Kitty, a mutual close friend. (Can you follow that?) Anyway, I regret to say that I was even frustrated at that because since when am I am the checker up on people...ok ok...I know I am always checking up on people but at that current moment in time I did not want to check up on anyone. So I started watching a movie and Lilly called. Of course, I first complained about work and how they are wasting my time and blah, blah.Well, Lilly herself has been having a real rough couple of weeks and I guess the rubber had met the road and she needed to talk. So after about an hour we finish up with me still somewhat foul but nonetheless less hard-hearted than when I placed the call.

I then move back to the couch still in a bad mood but trying to watching a movie so feeling a little better. But then Adam (my roommate) comes in and hands me my birthday present, yes, almost a week late, but it is wrapped beautifully in a Winn-Dixie bag. He hands it to me and I sit up, throw off my Cub's blanket and begin to unwrap. I can tell it is a shirt and then when I open it up I stare at it for a minute. I can feel/sense Adam's anticipation to see if I like it. I just turn my head and stare at him with a confused look. He bought me a Boston Red Sox t-shirt. His face was all smiles, so I looked at the shirt again, thinking perhaps I had misread it but nope it was still Boston Red Sox. I then looked down and I was even wearing a Cub's t-shirt to go with the Cub's blanket. He finally realized what had happen, yelled and snatched the shirt out of my hands and hastily apologized and ran into our room mumbling about wrong shirt/size and having to return it. It was quite funny, but I felt like a jerk because I did not even thank him (I did the next morning) but I did not know how to thank him for a shirt that I no longer had and wasn't even a shirt I would wear. I mean come on...if you are an Auburn fan, could you really thank someone for getting you an Alabama shirt?

So I resumed my movie for the third time still frustrated that I was not working. When one my of my best friends called. He needed a brother to talk to. Before I could get anything out, he said, I really need to talk first. So he shared his heart and it was in that moment that all the pieces fell into place. I understood that it was not about me. A lesson I must have flunked more times than not. Lilly called because she needed a friend to talk to. It was truely the thought that counted for Adam, and now my best friend needed me. So after I listened and said a few things, I prayed for him. All the past few hours seemed to become so less important and i realized that God will work his will even through my part -time job to put me in place on where I need to be.

I came back to the couch refreshed and a lot more humble, finished my movie and went to sleep thanking God for my friends and for his Son.

I am sure that I will need to be hit on the head again to remember this lesson but right now it is fresh on my mind.

Peace and blessings
Duer

Going through the motions

Don't you just hate to get soap in your eyes in the shower? Perhaps there are some out there that has never experienced this but this morning I was mid-wash when some how soap sprang into my eyes causing pain. Since I was mid wash I had soap on my hands which prevented me to wash my eyes out. So I just closed them and finished up "blind". I noticed how deliberate I was in everything I did. Putting the soap back on the dish for example. In everything I did, I was taking care and thinking through each process. In my head I thought, I am intentionally going through the motions.

I usually hear that phrase in a negative context but I think there is something to intentionally or perhaps deliberately go through the motions. As I was getting dressed, I began to compose some thoughts about this blog. What is my equivelant soap in the eye? What gets me out of the automation and into the whys behind the process. In my spiritual walk, am I as intentional about following Christ on a daily basis as I was about wanting to remove that soap in my eye? Perhaps if I came to terms with how blind I am without God then I would want to do everything I can, as perfect as I can so that the blind may see. Perhaps we could all do with a good dose of soap in the eye.

Happy Thanksgiving

This morning I was able to sleep late, around 8:00. I turned on the TV and the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade was just about to begin. For some reason watching the parade always makes me cry. They are usually tears of joy with only a few times mixed with tears of yesteryear. Having been in the parade when I was in 8th grade there are many memories attached to it. so I guess that is cause for some emotion to be aroused.

Having made a decision to just relax on this day of thanks, I chose to put up my Christmas tree and watch a few movies. My evening dinner plans fell through so I made poppy seed chicken and had my own T-day feast. Now before any of you feel sad for me...don't. This was my choice.

Have you ever been going at such a fast pace that you just need a vacation from people. That is how today and possible even tomorrow will be for me. I did go to the movies with a friend tonight and will see some family tomorrow but mainly I needed a break.

There are a few things I am thankful for that may seem trivial to most but to me they are what this day means to me.

I am thankful for my Cubs blanket because it reminds me that God gave me friends who love me.
I am thankful for my two roommates that go away for the holidays. It is always good to be reminded that you do miss them when the house is quiet.
I am thankful that I have a family who loves me enough to say it is ok that I did not join them for dinner in Bham.
I am thankful for God who loves me inspite of my mistakes and as a friend recently reminded me...Thanks be to Jesus Christ that I do not bear the burden of my forgiven sin.
I hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving day. God Bless

Go to Church?

Last night at my part-time job, I was talking with a friend who goes to church with me about an article in Sharing the Victory, the web magazine of the Fellowship of Christian Athletics about Tommy Tuberville and his 2 team chaplins. About 30 mins later a coworker, Kevin, came up and said "So you go to church with Tommy?" Honestly, the first thing I thought was how does he know Tommy Hunke, who is a close friend of mine that has graduated, married and moved on. Then I realized he must have overheard my conversation. So I said yes. He then asked "Does the pastor pray more when we lose?" I jokingly replied, "Well since that has only happened twice in the past two years, I can't really say." I then went on to explain how he is a great family man and his mother also lives here and attends church. He seemed a little taken aback that I don't put a lot of hype into the fact that Coach Tuberville goes to church with me. For me, he is just a normal guy. I respect him a lot, and it took the heavy pressure of my mom on multiple occasions to ask him to sign a football for my nephew because I want him to feel safe in the church building. This of course is not the first time people have been "awed" that Coach goes to my church. Everytime, I leave these conversations just wondering...what would people say if I said, "Yea, Tuberville goes to church with me, but so do hundreds of other people and I am pretty sure that God attends regularly as well." But I don't think they would get the point.

Late Lunch

So early this week, I found out that a good friend, Kara, was hoping to come into town and wanted to grab lunch with the three Amigos (Phil, Adam & myself). Kara works for Impact Alabama and she along with a co-worker were in the "general area." So lunch ended up being around 2:00, by that time I was really hungry. As me and Phil drove to Niffer's, we passed resturants and I could taste my favorite food of each place. Needless to say by the time I pulled into the parking lot, my taste buds were screaming.

Do I do that with my spiritual food? I just don't crave it like I do corn nuggets, honey mustard burger & fries. And here is the rub, I know I have been here before feeling the same thing but I let that moment pass away into the oblivion known as complacency. It all falls down to doing something about it. I am very good at observing and complaining about my situation in life, but I slam the brakes when someone wants me to do something about it.

I recently took the GRE. I honestly don't know if I will go to grad school or not, but it felt good to accomplish something different. To have a challenge and do my best. I did ok on it. Nothing to get me into Harvard or anything but it helped me feel a little more in control of my life. Please understand that all of this was prayerfully decided but I think I tend to "let" my circumstances dictate my life. I think I was led to believe that because of the past, you are bound to those cirmcumstances. Taking the GRE changed that. It gave me hope that just perhaps the church sign was true when it said "God does not consult your past about your future."

So now I am faced with another decision. On my dresser is a Bible Study book. A lot of my older friends have gone through it and it has challenged them and helped them grow immensely. But it sits there taunting me. Am I so afraid of change that even change from impure to pure, unholy to holy, spiritual milk to a hearty spiritual feast, I fight and resist? I want to think that is not true but in the past it has.

Will I allow this "feeling" pass or will I allow God to change me? It is my choice and I think that is what scares me the most.

The Odyssey…Van that is Part IV

The morning sun rose beautifully on that Sunday morning. I have typically been an early riser so while the rest of the guys were sleeping. I went outside and sat on the swing by the lake for just a little while praying and meditating. Soon it was ready to get ready for church. We went to Grace Church in Morton, Il. It was a wonderful service. The speaker was the associate pastor and he had been in the mission field abroad before coming to Morton. He spoke on Luke 15 and shared insights that he learned from reading this story with those who are from the middle east. It really showed me how much my culture as an American tints my reading/interpretations of the Bible.

We then went to one of my favorite places, Monical’s pizza. Though having only been there once before, I came close to begging that we go there again. They have the best thin crust pizza. The atmosphere is very eccentric. With movie posters, old lunch boxes and toys adorning the walls and shelves. It was a great time. We ordered 2 pizzas and I think had to force feed Eric and Jill to eat the last few pieces.

From there we departed to drop Jill off and then head to Pekin County High School to take a tour of Eric’s classroom. So we drop Jill off and go pick up Kim, Eric’s sister to take her to Bradley to drop off some items. So we precede to drive to PCHS, get out the car and in typical Eric fashion, he realizes that he has forgotten his work keys. We all start laughing and then saunter down a hill to peek into a small window of his classroom to get a glimpse of the room. He then takes us on a tour of the area. We stop at Bradley, Eric bachelors Alma Mater. We take a brief tour and then help Kim take some stuff to her dorm.

We then pile back in and head back the Larson homestead. Rosy had planned this meal for when we arrived on Friday but do to car trouble had postponed it for Sunday evening. The entire Larson family, minus the Dad, who was away on work, gathered round the table, laughing and story telling. There was no mistake. This family loves each other but further, each one loves God. Coming from a family that is similar in that aspect, I am continually thankful for that blessing. People gradually went home and it was just the Band and Paul outside half-heartedly playing hoops.

We all went towards the dam embankment and just sat and let the Spirit guide us. I could attempt to explain that night but words fail me because I can’t begin to explain the feelings, sights or sounds that came from God being presence with us and guiding our thoughts, songs, and prayers. It was good. Praise God.

After that experience, reality of the world began to set in. Eric had school in the AM and we had to get on the road to head back towards KY to see about my car. We awoke and loaded up. Giving our hugs and farewells to Eric and Rosy. It was hard for me because I knew that it would be awhile before I would physically see one of my best friends again. I am not ashamed of my sentimental attitude. But life is life and friends move away.

To wrap up the saga. My car’s engine had died. So after quick decision making, we extended our rental and headed to Auburn in the Odyssey. Leaving my car to be repaired. (that is a story for another time but not today).

I want to thank my faithful readers for reading my story of that weekend in September. It will be a weekend I won’t soon forget. The Band of Brothers lives on, in fact we meet tonight. But right now I have to go to Walmart and pick up my new contact lenses.

DD

The Odyssey - Van that is Part III

When we last left our foursome of friends, we were spending a relaxing afternoon by the lake. It was time for a decision. Do we go the actual Pumpkin Festival or spend the evening at home. All of us agreed that culture usurped relaxation. So we piled into the car and headed back into Morton. The Pumpkin Festival reminded me a lot of county fairs. There were amusement park rides, food vendors of everything imaginable, and port-a-potties. We first had a viewing of the winners of the pumpkin-carving contest. There were some impressive creations. The theme this year was Moments in History so there were a few representations of George Washington; Ben Franklin was present as well as the first moonwalk.

After that we went towards a large tent that held a plethora of tables and chairs. We stood in line for a pork chop sandwich (first timer here for this) and sat down and ate. Early that week they had held a lip-syncing contest and the winners were being presented and then would perform. We had “The Blues Brothers”, the “Go-Go’s” , I think a country singer or two as well. We sat there for a while enjoying conversation and allowing Paul, Eric’s brother to join us and eat. We then headed to Dairy Queen for a pumpkin blizzard. It was delicious!! We then did what all 20’s ages people do at a cool place such as the Pumpkin Festival. We cruised. We strolled all through the park, stopping every 10 minutes or so for Eric or Jill to say hi to friends they have not seen in awhile.

We then headed to the back of the park where a ride called “the Zipper” was located. Eric & Kim (Eric’s Sister) wanted to ride it so we all stood around talking waiting for them. The moon was beginning to rise and it was a huge. (Yes, I know that the moon is always the same size, blah, blah.) When then walked to a quaint coffee shop and had hot beverages to warm us up, though it was not too cold to begin with.
We then went home and began watching Finding Neverland. Excellent Movie!!!. And then it was bed.

A funny

I was reading a blog this morning and she was discussing her health issues that seem to have compounded. Someone commented to her post..."If Job had a blog....." I laughed out loud at that idea. The implications are still meandering around in my head maybe it will become a more detailed post later.

The Odyssey - Van that is Part II

It was Saturday morning, Phil, Eric & Adam had just finished running the 10K. The weather was a beautiful clear day. I don’t recall if it was zero clouds but I think it was close. We collectively did some stretches and then piled into the van to head back to Eric’s house in Groveland.

I am not sure how many people out there in blogland have siblings but us four guys are brothers in every since of the word. As passed a Pepsi distribution plant and Phil, who had previously seen the place on the trip to the race, let out an emphatic moan/sigh of “Pespi” which started us in a conversation about Pepsi Marketing overseas that led me and Adam into a debate/argument. Now for those who know us, this is not atypical. Adam & I will be saying the exact same thing just differently and that will keep us occupied for a while until someone gives up. Now during this somewhat heated conversation, I looked and Eric was sitting there in the driver’s seat just smiling. I don’t know if he was smiling at the fact that life is normal because Adam and I were arguing or if it was the fact that he was oblivious to the entire conversation. Eventually Adam & I realized that we were both right and moved on. (I still say he did not listen to what I was saying.)

We arrived at the Larson home with a game plan of divide and conquer. Eric had a soccer game to coach about an hour and away. So Eric’s mom and Paul, Eric’s brother, were going to be our host for the rest of the morning and afternoon. We showered and loaded up to head back to Morton for the Pumpkin Festival Parade. Imagine if you will, Auburn University tailgating for a parade because that is exactly what it was. People had set out their lawn chairs starting around Tuesday to claim their spot for the big parade. I must admit I was skeptical about the quality of this small town parade. But add to the AU tailgating the concept of Mardi Gras and that was the Parade. Each float, group, organization or individual had candy to gently throw (yeah right) at the children who had lined up along the street. The parade was amazing. Bands from three different counties were there and to my utter astonishment, an elementary band was there, in uniforms and everything. Talk about starting them young. Pekin (another close town) has a band contest on Saturday of the festival so most of the bands were Junior High or middle school. But it was exciting.

The parade was about one and a half hours long but well worth it. Phil was accused of stealing candy from a kid, though I personally did not see it. We grabbed the lawn chairs and made our way to Eric’s grandmother’s house. I had met Grandma Ruth before but this time I saw her in action. We arrived at her house and she promptly lead us to the closed in porch to where a feast was laid before us. Granted it was not just for us. She had fixed food for about 20 relatives who all lived in the area and joined them for the after parade feast. There were sandwiches, deviled eggs, a vegetable tray and a myriad of other tasty dishes. At the end of the buffet was a box of donuts. Here it was the first pumpkin item of many that we would eat that day, pumpkin donuts. Grandma Ruth works at a confectionary so her work had made these. They were delicious, I ate one and a half. We had just sat down outside when here comes Grandma Ruth with two pumpkin pies in hand ready to make sure we each had a piece. She reminded me a lot of both of my grandmothers. She was epitome of love for her grandkids and she had also invited a few friends to join us who perhaps did not have any family. But it was not just the those triats. Her mannerisms reminded me a lot of my Grandma Duer. In fact, on time I called her just “grandma” instead of Grandma Ruth. I don’t think she minded, for she treated us all as if we belonged to her.

As dinner wound down, I joined the majority of the Larson clan in the screened in porch as they told wedding funnies and other stories that had us in stitches. The Larsons love to laugh and they equally love to pick on each other. I feel like part of the family when I am around them. They include me in their stories and look at me while they are regaling memories. I was not in the house of strangers but in a house of familiar people who don’t care about when we became friends but just focus on that we are.

Meanwhile, Adam and Phil were still outside. I don’t know the conversation but Kim (Larson youngest) was there so it is almost a guarantee there was laughter. I joined them as they were talking to one of Eric’s cousins who is in school I think at Bradley. Kim has just started her freshman year there so I gathered they were talking about the differences of schools and such. But just as in the porch, they were included, they were part of the community.

Steve Larson (the dad) had to leave to get to the airport so we all loaded up the van and headed back to Groveland for some rest till Eric returned. Adam and I took a nap while Phil continued to hack away at his homework. Eventually Adam and I ended up on the swing in the backyard staring at the lake. Adam and I, though we had argued just a few hours ago, sat and talked about life and what our futures hold and what impact our past and present had on those around us. I love moments like that. I love being around crowds but give me quality one on one time with someone I cherish and I feel more loved at that moment.

Eric, and then a little later, Phil joined us and we had our first chance to be brothers and check up on each other. It was not deep sharing but I felt a sense of peace when we were all together and Eric started talking about life since Auburn. The weather had remained beautiful and the lake was calm, except for the random splash down of a goose or a jump of a fish. Paul, Jill (Eric’s girlfriend) and Kim joined us after a while and we all talked and joked around. A few of us decided to play apple baseball practice. Watching 3 “grown” men trying to hit an apple with a small bat was quite funny.

From the moment we entered Grandma Ruth’s house to the when the last apple was pitched, it felt like home. It was not a home of permanence but it was home, a safe, secure place of God’s presence. There was no prayer time; no reading of scripture but worship was taking place. Each of us had spent the day receiving and giving blessings according to our gifts and talents. Perhaps it is like this everyday and I was just still enough to see it occurring. I don’t know.

Next: The actual Pumpkin Festival

The Odyssey - Van that is Part 1

At 6:10 AM on Friday morning, Adam, Phil & I headed towards Groveland, IL, to see the fellow Band of Brother, Eric. Little did I know the journey we would have under our belts before the weekend ended. For you see, we left with the knowledge that in 48 hours we would be travelling back to Auburn because of meetings and such, Adam and Phil had to be a part of on Monday.

So we headed up north to where the ground is flatter and the corn stalks were being harvested. In a near town, preparations had been made for the Morton Pumpkin Festival. A parade was planned as was a 10K/2M race. Pumkin Ice Cream, Pumpkin Pie, Pumpkin Blizzard from DQ, Pumpkin cake, Pumpkin donuts even pumpkin chili had all been prepared for a festival of unseen porportions of this southern man's eyes. The closest thing I could think of was a cross between the lee county fair and the Loachapolka Syrup Soppin'. But even that pales in comparsion.

But alas I am ahead of myself, for the time had not yet arrived to enjoy those pumkin delights for we three brothers had to experience bonding and growth. I drove till we stopped for lunch just outside of Nashville. Then Adam took over. Now we all know that it is slightly wierd at first to ride in the passenger seat of your own car but I eventually dozed off. I awoke a couple of times and things were going well. Then the last time I woke up, it was because the car had just stopped. The engine quit. Nothing. So Adam so expertly eased over on to the side of the road and then I panicked. I felt responsible that my Camry in which I had trusted so many times had quit. I felt embarrassed for I knew that compared to my fellow journeymen, I knew nothing about how to diagnose much less fix. I tried to compose myself multiple times but the stress and panic was crashing waves of thoughts upon me. "We are not going to see Eric, What the crap am I suppose to do?, why did this always happen to me?" I am 29 years old after all, I should know how to handle this in a calm, experienced way. So I did the only thing I knew to do. I called my Dad. Now my father is not a mechanic and he always seems to handle things so calmly and nonchantly that it is annoying to those who are panicked. But I called him and since he works at a toyota dealership, he transfered me to service. They inturned gave me the phone number to the service department in Paducah. I then spoke to man named Scottie. Scottie told me that he would call a tow truck and we would go from there.

When Ray's Wrecker Service called, the receptionist giggled when I told that there are 3 grown men in this car. She said, "it will be tight." While we were waiting for the wrecker, my stress level had leveled off and my proximity to a tearful breakdown had subsided till my brother Phil decides we should pray. Tears flowed all during the prayer. But I was able to dry them up before he finished, I mean after all, 3 grown men stranded on the side of the road and one of the crying is not cool. Eventually the wrecker arrived and this guy got out of the truck and without saying one word began loading my Camry onto the truck. Eventually Adam saw that his name was Chester. Chester was a man of few words. We eventually squeezed into the cab and headed into Paducah.

We arrived at the Toyota dealership at around 3:30. The person in front of me at the counter was being told that the mechanics get off at 4:00. The waves of panick were flooding once again. The ideas of a quick fix were thrown out the window. So I tried to call Entreprise, you know the people who will pick you up. They were out of cars. I could not believe it. The flood waters had once again reached the level in which I wanted to shut down. But I could not. Thankfully while I was dealing with Scottie finding out about my car, Adam found a place that would pick us up and give us a good deal. So pretty soon, Buddy drove up and took us to Rent-A-Wreck. Not necessarily an confidence inspiring name for a rental place but they were extremely nice. and gave us a great deal on a Honda Odyssey.

So around 4 o'clock we were heading once again toward Groveland. Thought of eating Momma Rosy's dinner were out the window, sitting next to that quick fix idea. So we stopped in Marion, IL at Fazoli's. It was great comfort food for me.

We arrived at Groveland around 10:30 that evening and I was drained. I just wanted to go to bed. But first I had to hug Eric. Once he put his arms around me, all the stress of the day just vanished. For I had arrived "home" I was at a place where I could relax and sleep.

The next morning, Eric, Adam & Phil were running in the 10k and I was running the 2 mile. (hey, I know my limits) So we spent that morning getting to race and by 8:30 all of us had run across the finish line. My deepest thanks to the lady orginially from Lagrange, GA who allowed me to stick with her for the first mile or so. Eric's dad, Steve, brought his bike and rode with the others. He also made sure I did not miss my turn.

Next post: The Pumpkin Festival Parade & more

Hot Chocolate

I could drink hot chocolate any season. I don't know why but it is my favorite "hot" drink. Over the past year or so, I have gone to each coffee shop that is in the Auburn/Opelika area and tried their hot chocolate. I must say none compare to the hot chocolate I can get from a home. Whether the home is my best friends apartment, Rosy's kitchen in Illinois, or my own kitchen with my grandmother's hot chocolate reciepe. There is something about a steaming mug in your hands sitting on a couch that has been worn in, being in a room that is lived in. There is some so comforting about it.

I have prayed to God about a lot things and recently I have noticed that I tend to ignore him if he is answering in a way I don't like. Kinda out of sight, out of mind. If I don't acknowledge it then I don't have to follow it. Yeah, it doesn't last very long before you are miserable because you know what you should do but you don't do it.

With the departure of two of my closest friends, I have been extremely lonely. The remaining close friends in Auburn mean a lot to me but they can't fill the void and I don't really want them to, I don't think. So I prayed to God for peace and a sense of purpose for this loneliness. Do you know how he answers me? Get this. "Let's spend time just you and me." That is not the answer I wanted. I want to reach out to people. I want to help change peoples lives. But no God wants me to spend time with him. It is slightly frustrating because I know that is what I should do, but the process of spending time with just God, requires faith that he is here with me. Requires trust that being alone is part of the plan of God. It also requires confession and repentence of which I do not like the latter. The former is easy but to change completely take work.

So now I feel like I am at the batter's box. I can listen to the coach and follow his signs or swing at the first pitch that "looks" good and end up striking out.

Patience is not my strong suit but that is obviously what I am being asked to work on.

"God's way is the best way"

Enough

The following article was in Lifeline a newsletter of Lifeline Chapaincy(emphasis is author's). Comments below.

Enough
Jesus assembles the “original 12”, and pointed to a world hungry to hear good news. Then he gave them these unorthodox marching orders:

“Don’t think you have to put on a fund-raising campaign before you start. You don’t need a lot of equipment. You are the equipment.” (from Eugene Peterson’s ‘The Message’ Matthew 10)

A different paraphrase might read: Don’t obsess over funds, and don’t over pack. Fear not, doors will open. You have what you need, for with me, you are equipped.

In my own spiritual journey, I have learned and re-learned this truth. I’ve learned that I am, like the undereducated, diamonds in the rough famous 12, capable of being salt and light, capable of bringing encouragement to the overwhelming discouraged. All because I am in God’s transforming presence.

And that is enough.

It’s a theological spin on an old saying: With God’s help, just be yourself.
In my early days of learning pastoral care skills with those who were bruised and hurting, I was taught to be present, to be caring, and to be available. (this was another way of saying that “I am the equipment”) When I polled advisers for specific words to say in difficult situations, I was told, “Go not with quick answers to the unanswerable questions, but with open hands, and an open heart.”

How the newly appointed apostle must have inwardly queried: “Where’s the sales pitch? What are the exact words I’m supposed to use to convey a message of hope? Don’t we need to practice this on each other first?”

So now I think of people who come to me, knowing my profession as a hospital chaplain, asking for a crash course in how to do crisis ministry…hoping I’ll provide them a computerized check-list of everything one is to do to connect deeply and spiritual with others.

Instead, I think I’ll simply point them back to the profoundly simple marching orders from Jesus: Go, just be yourself, trust Me, and always remember you are the equipment. Spread the message of the peaceable Kingdom. Tell others that God is here and now – within each of us, not out there for a select few.

And that is enough.

~Virgil Fry

Matthew 10:8b-10

------------------------------------

This truth Mr. Fry talks about is one that I have been struggling with for the past 10 years. Because I can come up with more excuses of I am not prepared or that the time is just not right, or the worse for me is that God can't use me because of_______ and I fill in the blank with the "stutter" of the month. I have some friends who are in the beginning stages of embarking on a new mission in my town. It has caused me to think and evalute my effectiveness in spreading the gospel here. I DO a lot in the name of God but I am not real sure how much I am doing FOR God or Because of God.

I feel a calling deep within me to stretch my wings and see how high and far I can fly, but I am so afraid of previous flight attempts that resulted in crashes. I pray that I will learn that I am enough because of God.

The Purpose(s?) of Blogs

So many of my friends now have blogs and they all seem to have them for different reasons. For some it is a conduit to what they are thinking at the time. For others it is a forum to proclaim their frustration and/or political stances. And even more of my friends have a blog to put forth ideas with a Christian twist or a new way to look at life.

I have no idea why I have a blog. Other than the fact that it is a cool way to communicate. Some people will probably look at my blog and think it is stupid or no real deep purpose. Well they are probably correct. These are just my thoughts and a lot of the time I am dumb or stupid, naive or just a plain nincompoop. But every once in while I think I do say something that may impact others who read this. So I keep plugging away, trying to navigate my way in the realm of blogdom.

I am really not enjoying life right now. Things are not going my way and I would love to have a huge pity party and yell and complain about how people are so frustrating and that friends should sign a pact at the beginning stating that if they leave the town then they are required to keep in touch, a guess that is a cross between a pre-numptial and child custody agreements with a twist of manipulation.

I hate arguements and misunderstandings, I hate that I am so stubborn sometimes to admit I was wrong. And I really hate it when people assume they understand me. I mean, if I don't understand myself most days then why do others think they can.

I have been around 5 times by a person I work with that there other jobs. Sometimes it was said in jest but other times it was said with full seriousness and in my eye totally out of the blue. He just comes up to my desk and says..."if this (meaning work) gets to rough don't kill yourself, there are other jobs"

My community, my close friends whom I call family, is in turmoil. I am reminded of the guy spinning plates on the post. I feel like I am in the audience watching as bit by bit, pieces of my community, people I call friends and brothers, are spinning and I am just watching wondering if they will fall and shatter or if the master spinner will keep them going no matter how wobbly it is from my perspective. Some plates are being picked up by the spinner and moved to a new location far away and other plates are desiring to be used for a different purpose. I want to lunge out and stop all the plates and keep them nice and still but unforunately, the spinner is in control and I can do is watch in antipication to see which plate the spinner touches next.

Psalms 34:15-20

The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;
he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.

God has always provided. I pray that I have faith to trust him.

News Item of the Day!!

Giant Popsicle Melts, Floods New York Park - Yahoo! News
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050622/ap_on_fe_st/popsicle_disaster

Inspiration from my brother

This morning my brother posted a blog called Buddy Check.

The past year, I have been fortunate to have 3 "buddies." We meet every week and "check" on each other. Satan has been doing a doozie on my recently to create tension and confusion between me and the others. Last night when we met, I finally was able to let it all out. While I knew the truth that they loved me, the fear of losing them had prevented me from being real and open with them.

It hit me last night that that is exactly what I do with God. I am so fearful of his punishment and/or disappointment in me that I avoid Him, further exacerbating the guilt of the sin. Ultimately refusing the love and grace he has and freely offers.

When will I learn, and if I do how will it change my life?

Brother Where Art Thou?

For me the answer is very obvious, they are trying to talk to me. Starting yesterday a barage of emails and phone calls calling to talk to me. Both of my biological brothers called me with in 12 hours of each other. 4 brothers by the blood of Jesus also called within that 12 hours. 2 of which i had not spoken with in a few weeks and of those 2 one I still need to talk with but was talking to my older brother. (sorry Kevin)

So needless to say, I felt popular and loved.

It's so hard to say goodbye

The past few days I have been in a funk. For many reasons but one of them is that the next couple of months I will say goodbye to three of my close friends. Kara will be heading to Birmingham in July. Eric will be heading back to IL for a teaching postion near his hometown in August and Adam will graduate and head to who knows where for his Ph.D. in Dec. It is so evident in each of their lives that God has opened and blessed their paths they are choosing however it is hard on my heart. It is so easy to focus on the negative and think about how little time we have together. So I try to remain postive. But I will miss the daily interaction with them. The Band of Brother will no longer meet once a week in the same way. God has always been faithful in providing exactly what I need. So while I am sad, I am excited and trying to trust God in what he will bring about in the coming months.

Dinner for Twelve

Tonight I prepared dinner for 12 college students ranging from freshmen to people getting their Ph.D. We had lasagna (my sis-in-law recipe), Buffet Potatoes, green beans, corn on the cob, salad and bread followed bymy grandma's 4 layer dessert and my sis-in-law's Strawberry Layer Dessert.

It started with me inviting two of our summer interns over for dinner when I normally cook for my bros. I decided that I wanted to cook for more of my friends and ADam had a new couple who had just moved here that he wanted us to meet.

I think this was the largest number I have cooked for. We still have TONS of leftovers.

I am so grateful to my grandmothers for passing down the hospitality genes to my parents who have instilled it in me.

After we ate we sat around and talked, a group went to play ping pong ( one of the benefits of living in the student center), and now Adam & Eric are playing on their guitars.

Rough Morning

This past Sunday AM I was teaching the college class and leading singing. So I set my alarm and my phone to wake me up at 5:30 so I could get mentally ready as well as do some other normal tasks for me each Sunday AM. I slept through both alarms. Could not find anything to wear that looked and felt right. Then as I was leaving I could not find my wallet. I realized that I had thrown in the past of yesterday in the wash I started that morning. So yes I had washed my wallet. During church we sang “Turn Your eyes Upon Jesus” and I used my morning of an example of how wonderful it is that morning such as these do “grow strangely dim” when you focus on Jesus. So this morning someone of our congregation sent me an email saying they would try to squelch the rumor that I was into money laundering. I did not get it at first and had to ask for clarification. Boy did I chuckle and feel silly that I did not get it the first time.

Did you?

Memorial Day Blow Out

Yes that sounds like a retail commercial but for me it was a bunch of my friends getting together at my place for a cook out. I am following the legacy of my grandmothers in that I prepared enough meat for an army so I have plenty of burgers for leftovers. Chris came over and fixed his famous Jambalaya, Phil brought a pizza pasta salad that was excellent. Kara brought some pies that she slaved over and Eric & Jill brought some watermelon. Adam brought veggies and Ben brought cookies.

We had a blast hearing about turkey hunting stories and hearing the engagement story of Jonathan and Amanda.

God has blessed me so much with friends who love the Lord but also enjoy my cooking.

Disney World

It has been a while since those in blogland have heard from me. Part of it is I have been extremely busy in the weeks leading up to my vacation and this past week after my vacation. The other part of it is, lack of something to say.

So here is the low down of my trip. Those who have been reading my blog are aware that me and 3 other friends( known as the Band of Brothers(Adam, Eric, Phil & Myself)) were given a gift. It was a monetary gift with instructions that the money was to be used for us to take a trip. So we decided on Disney World.

We left on Saturday May 14. We headed down to Orlando and arrived around 8 or so. Checked in to our place and then went to Red Lobster to eat. We then walked around International Blvd in Orlando looking at the sights.

Sunday was our chill day. Phil went to see to his great-aunt while the rest of us played a game of putt-putt. I performed my typical and ended up in the typical last place. We then had milkshake and fries at Johnny Rockets.

Monday began our journey through the parks of Disney World. We began at Epcot. We had a great time in Future World and the World Showcase area. We met a talking trashcan named PUSH, a few foreigners and some of us even flirted with a cute shop girl from England. We ate in Japan. Then toured the other places making me long to travel to other places. We then walked to Boardwalk Disney and ate at the ESPN club. As we were leaving they were about to have a live interview with some hockey player. I don't remember who. We then went back for the firework show at Epcot. We left at around 9:20 in hot pursuit to get back to the resort so we could get a dip in the pool and hottub. But alas....we got lost....5 u-turns later we arrived back at our place.

Tuesday was Magic Kingdom day. It was a great. We road many rides 2 or 3 times due to the low crowds early AM, however by midafternoon it was crowded. But it was still not as crowded because the longest we waited in any line was 20-30 minutes for It's a Small World. Yes we went on that ride. Adam had never been to DW so it was a must do. We ate lunch at a pub near colonial village. After a fun day at the park we drove to Downtown Disney and picked up our Cirque Du Soliel Tickets and our Star Wars III tickets. We then ate at Rainforest Cafe. Though great food I was disappointed that no procedes of my meal were going to protect the rain forest.

Wednesday we went to MGM. It had the Muppets in 3D which was awesome. I am a huge Muppett fan. It also had a ride based on Star Wars that made many of us a little sick to our stomach. We finished up the park early and heading to the resort to change clothes and freshing up. For we were going to La Nouba.

It was AWESOME!! I would encourage everyone who enjoys circus type acts to see a Cirque Du Soliel show. There was not a bad seat in the place. It is was too good to be able to describe.

Thursday was Animal Kingdom, Disney's newest park. It was cool to see the animals and we saw a great bird show. Though it was very ironic that the place Phil said had the best food was a BBQ place. But it was good food.

Then came what we had all had been waiting for. We had 7:45 tickets on opening day for Star Wars. We ate at Wolfgang Puck Express and heading to the line to wait. We were able to get great seats and we were joined by great friends Andrew & Shannon Reagan who live in the Orlando area. We found out that they are expecting their first child. CONGRATULATIONS!!

Alas our trip was over at the conclusion of Star Wars. We had to take Eric to the airport and us to drive back to Auburn.

Overall it was a great trip. We are thankful for who ever sent that money and allowed us to take that trip.

I will post some pictures soon.


PS: Steve is this a big enough bone for you?

Grace Conviction

So I was driving along listening to my audio tape "What's So Amazing About Grace" by Yancey, when I came to a great yet sad conclusion. I want grace more than I am willing to give it. Every time Yancey gives an example, I immediately think of a similar instance where someone should have shown me grace or at times did show me grace. Not once did I think of a parallel example in my own life where I should have shown grace.

Not very gracious of me is it??

Is it suppose to be this hard to understand something so wonderful as grace?

Grace Lessons

Well it appears that the bloggers of the Duer family are getting lessons on grace this week. I personally feel like I have been blasted with an overflowing wave of grace and while I understand it more, I am more confused by it. I am currently listening to "What's so Amazing about Grace?" by Yancey. Each time I get into the car, I leave the car feeling extremely amazed at the examples of grace. Yet at the same time, they have really started to frustrate me. Grace in its truest form, makes no logical worldly sense. But yet, whenever I experience it, give it or witness it, it just feels right though frequently, I struggle with the giving side of grace.

Last night was a grace moment for me. Details are superfluous to the end of the story. Grace was given and received by two comrades in the faith.
It was a good night.

The Journey Home

“ We are not citizens of this world trying to make our way to heaven; we are citizens of heaven trying to make our way through this world. Tha radical Christian insight can be life-changing. We are not to live so as to earn God’s love, inherit heaven, and purchase our salvation. All those are given to us as gifts; gifts bought by Jesus on the cross and handed over to you . We are to live as God’s redeemed, as heirs of heaven, and as citizens of another land: the Kingdom of God. We live as those who are on a journey home: a home we know will have the lights on and the door open and our Father waiting for us when we arrive. Tha means in all adversity our worship of God is joyful, our life is hopeful, our future is secure. There is nothing we can lose on earth that can rob you of the treasures God has given and will give us."
The Landisfarne (via the Anglican Digest)

Can you imagine what it would be like if we truely believed that we are just passing through?

Trip to B'ham

My friend Eric and I went to Birmingham this weekend so he could take a certification test and I could catch up with a good friend and visit my brother and family. It was a wonderful, relaxing weekend. I was even able to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon.

Saturday evening we watched Hotel Rwanda. An excellent movie. It was a difficult movie to swallow that this is based on reality. I am amazed at how easily I allow myself to become complacent about racism here in the south. I continually struggle, not with being cruel or malicous towards those of another race, but with seeing them as equals. It is not an overt thing for if it was, I think it would be confronted and dealt with. No my struggle is usually below radar.

In listening to What's So Amazing About Grace by Yancey and reading Blue Like Jazz by Miller, I heard of repentace services or a repentance box, where the congregation repents of the harm that people did in the name of Christianity. Is my Christian walk hurting others? I pray it is not, but if it is, may I be forced to my knees in realization.

Selling Out God

What language shall I borrow
To thank Thee, dearest Friend,
For this Thy dying sorrow,
Thy pity without end?
O make me Thine forever;
And, should I fainting be,
Lord, let me never, never
Outlive my love to Thee.

written by Bernard of Clairvaux in the 12th Century.

I was convicted this weekend of how much I am in danger of being a lukewarm Christian. It is so easy. During worship Sunday, a good friend was leading us in worship and shared how this verse from O Sacred Head, really challenged him. "Outlive my love to Thee" The thought of me living past the thought of God's love is something I don't want to do but I do it everyday. I 'live' without accepting His love for me. It is not a constant acknowledgement that God is so powerful that he loves me despite my inept ability to do simple things that he ask me to do. I complicate his love. I place conditions on it for myself and for other people. Love. Lord, help me die in your love.

Maybe Too Much Information

This entry maybe too much info into my personal life but since it is part of my life I decided to share it with the world. Late Friday night it happened. I had prayed and prayed that I would never be a part of this club but I was inducted into the Kidney Stone Club. I tried to wade out the pain till around 2am when I called home and was told to go to the hospital. After 6 hours in the ER with no pain medication. I was released. I think it passed but who knows. I feel fine now and truly hope I never experience it again. Thanks to Phil & Mom....Phil for taking me to the ER and Mom for meeting me there and sitting with me.

Proud Uncle

Du's & Don'ts

My youngest nephew first pee wee game!! He is one cool dude!

"When you find yourself facing an issue in your life, the purpose or reason or good thing that might come out of it completely hidden from you--what do you do? Do you worry and fret, become preoccupied with the problem? Do you ignore it or avoid it? Do you complain about it, do you want to run away from it? Or do you see it as a situation in which you might be able to experience the power and grace of God at work? Do you watch for the work of God that is to be done in this situation?"
Father John Yates, Falls Church

I read this quote last night and was deeply humbled. I long to be the visionary that when I face problems I anticipate the chance to "experience the power and grace of God." I am reminded of the movie Patch Adams. When he is challenged to look beyond the problem. So perhaps my focus has not been off, rather it is has been focused on the wrong thing.

The Next Day

Well the printer is fixed, but then again, I never really determined what was wrong with it other than low on ink. So can I really say I did something right?

a day

I have just had a day when just once I would like to have done something right, or at least thought I had done it right. It was definitely a Monday. I pray that i will be like the Chris Rice song and wake up to a different day, attitude, and fixed printer.

Orlando Bound

Well it is official. Well the plans are official. If it ever is accomplished I will be amazed. Myself along with 3 other friends (commonly known as the Band of Brothers) are heading to Orlando to Disney World in May. I am cautiously excited because it is hard enough getting us four all together for dinner on a Monday night much less a 4-6 day road trip. But then again, that is the negative side of me talking. My fellow brothers have done well in allowing me to be in control of getting together different road trips. My personal favorite was termed the "Light bulb" trip. Head to Cedar Point, OH via Greeneville, TN. Then travel to Peoria, IL to drop of Eric for his sister's HS graduation. Then back to Auburn. But since Newby does not like roller coasters we decided to go to Disney Word. I just wonder how we can convice Adam that Spaceship Earth is a gentle boat ride.

The other cool trip I had planned was a trip to Fayetteville, AR, via Memphis, TN to see Les Mis. Three of us are fans and one wants to see it. But I was not keen on driving across Arkansas.

So my days as travel planner is over, now I get to work on the logicistics of the actual trip.

I doubt they realize how much they are feeding my control-freak habit.

The Facial Journey

The past few months have been a test of my faith in ways that I honestly did not think I could handle. It will soon be 3 months since half my face went limp from Bell’s Palsy. No one can notice now but the emotional scars are still there and it is taking a long time of healing. At first, I leaned 100% on God. People were praying for me, laying hands of love and healing on me. I could see that in me God was giving the strength to handle this. But after a few weeks, I let my guard of leaning on God down and Satan’s schemes took hold. I replaced reliance on God with reliance on myself. I took the stance of being super-strong and not letting it get to me that I talked with a slur or that my left side did not move when I smiled. But that did not last because I was scared that this could be permanent. So my reliance then turned to fear, which is where Satan wanted me. I felt crippled, not physically as much as spiritually. This fear dug in deep and invited his friends of depression and self-pity to join him in my life. On the outside, I was keeping up appearances, but eventually my close friends started seeing things were not right but my pride was too strong to admit where I had dug myself. Oh there were times when I would reach out my hand to friend and pull myself up a little ways out of the mire but eventually, because I was not replacing the fear with hope, I would sink further than I was before. The past two-three weeks have been the roughest. God was calling me back to him, I could feel his calling but was fearful of the journey back. Satan is good at his job. He orchestrated work frustrations to increase and personal sins/struggles to consume my thoughts. So instead of leaning on God, I became more despondent that I was losing it. My thoughts were becoming more and more dark. My façade of everything is going ok was crumbling. I began to ask for prayers for my dark negative thoughts. I wanted for the despondency/depression to go away. My brothers/sisters were faithful, they prayed and it ceased but deep down still knew that there were deeper issues at hand. My dependency on God had ceased. I don’t know exactly when but it had. This was playing out in my heart and actions. Work was not even remotely fulfilling. I was tired of being depressed, especially around my friends. My fears of rejection and loneliness were increasing. It was a vicious loop. So this week a change occurred. I don’t know what it was but Tuesday morning I woke up decided that this had to stop. I can’t pinpoint what changed but I started realizing how stupid I had become. It is now Thursday and the actual circumstances have not changed but I am handling temptation better and my willingness to control is pretty low. I guess I finally awakened to the fact that God does a much better job than I do in trying to work out my life. I look back to when it first happened and still hold to the truth that I am glad this happened. I only wish I had given my fear to God instead of internalizing it.

Lessons from an egg

So my friend Kara gave me two Reese's Peanut Butter Easter Eggs last night. By the time I arrived home, they had melted. So I put them in the fridge to harden up. I just finished eating them both as a late dessert after lunch. As I opened up the second egg, it was smushed looking nothing like an egg. I identified with that egg. The past few weeks, I have felt melted. Part of the problem was the elements or environment I was putting myself in. This was not God molding me, but this was Duer being a stubborn mule and deciding that I am able to handle things. So my melting did not result in a great pheonix-like revelation of coming back stronger. Instead, I allowed myself to become conform to whatever shape the package of my life was taking me. To continue my analogy, I was not longer an egg. My faith/ingredients were still there but my purpose was lost in the elements of heat. So now that I am no longer being melted I feel the need to have the "egg" back together again. But the next thought is how I can be the horseman you know...solve my own problems. Which is exactly what got me here in the first place. So what lesson have I really learned...When I do the molding, I lose purpose, but when God is in charge, my purpose is clear.

I hope you can follow the logic here. It makes sense to me but as I learned last night Duer logic is down right enigmatic. But that is something for another blog.

Fly Away

Airports are inheirantly emotional. You can look just about anywhere in an airport and see high emotions. Whether it is love or anger, sadness or frustration, emotions are there. I picked up a friend from the airport last night and while I was waiting for her, I witnessed multiple times people seeing each other from across baggage claim and running to hug or just crying there on the spot transfixed till their loved one came to put his/her arms in a giant hug. As I waited, I wondered if that would be what heaven will be like. Will I see people who I have missed for so long. It reminds me of the song by Mercy Me "I Can Only Imagine."

A New Look

The most unfortunate thing about a new blog look is you lose your comments of old posts. So to all those who made previous comments. I apologize. But I hope you enjoy the new look.

Another 5K

So this past Saturday I ran in my second 5K. My time was a tad slower than the one in December but the course contained more hills and I was less prepared mentally. I did enjoy asking all the policemen and a few of the tailgaters (the race was in conjunction with A-Day) to join me. They all declined. The finish line was on the 50-yard line of Jordan-Hare Stadium. It was pretty cool for me. The last time I was on that field was my 10th or 11th grade in high school for band. It was intimidating then as well as now.

I will find out my official time soon but I am proud that I finished.

A gift

Last night, the group of guys that I meet with on a weekly basis received a gift. It was an anonymous gift of value. Attached with it was a letter which included individual words and prayers about each of us. I felt undeserved of the kind words much less the gift. The person(s) prayer for me was that I would find peace with my past and that I would come to realize how God has made me a new creation.

I am taken aback at how much that convicted me. Am I the one person who is holding me back from accepting me as a new creation? Have I allowed Satan to convince me that I will never amount to much because of my actions of youth? Can I truly move forward if I have not fully accepted God total forgivenness and grace? Have I forgiven myself?

Whoever sent us brothers that gift, I thank you.

Duer

Valentine's Day or Singleness Awareness Day

There are 2 major camps. Though who love Valentine's Day and those who think it is Singleness Awareness Day. Yesterday I was the odd man out. Though single I really enjoy the idea of Valentine's day. But my 3 closest friends made it pretty clear that they were SAD all the way. So last night, as every Monday, I cooked for them. Since we are all single right now, I made a dessert ..."Better Than Sex" cake. Now none of us can really know or not till God blesses us with a wife but it did get a good laugh out of them.

In Memory

I spoke with my mom today and one of their cats, Boo, died last Saturday. Mom thinks there is foul play due to the forensic evidence that negates the idea of a hit and run. So mom took the dead cat back to the house, placed it in a garbage bag and put it in the trash since that is where Boo liked to be anyway.

Senior Saints Banquet

This weekend we are having a dinner for the senior saints of our congregation. This year the theme is "The days of Black and White" I am in charge of the entertainment and am having a tough time getting my thoughts and ideas on paper to see if they are doable. This evening I have to create a giant TV screen on the wall so we can show some old B&W shows. They were $1 a DVD at Target. I think we are going to have a few game show-type things and I might interview a few people about their first TV experience.

Prayer Request

Please pray for Angela Geyer. She is the oldest sister to my close friend Eric Larson. She is in the hospital awaiting to see if the invetrofertilization precedure of last week has worked.

Something to Think About

"Suppose for a moment that God began taking from us the many things for which we have failed to give thanks. Which of our limbs and faculties would be left? Would I still have my hands and my mind? And what about loved ones?If God were to take from me all those persons and things for which I have not given thanks, who or what would be left of me?"
Patrick Henry Reardon

My Trip To Illinois

On December 27, I left ATL in a small airplane with about 52 other people and 2 dogs and headed to Peoira, IL where my close friend Eric was at home for Christmas break. Eric actually lives in a small village outside of Peoria called Groveland. I unfortunately brought the warm southern air with me because it did not snow the entire time I was there. It was a great trip. I loved getting to know the Larson clan and seeing God move in so many ways in my own personal life. It was nice to have some time to journal, meditate and have a spiritual tune up.

My favorite time during the trip was playing Scrabble. It was the first time I remember playing Scrabble with someone other that those with the last name of Duer. I must say, I was impressed that I held my own. Even though i did not win a single game, I was still a pretty good player. A close second favorite time was Wednesday night before we left on Thursday. 2 of Eric's siblings and their significant others along with Jill, Eric's girlfriend and I went to a small pizza place called Monacle's. It was great pizza and great company.

While on my trip, I came down with Bell's palsy. While it ended the trip on a less than sweet note, my trip to Illinois reminded me that God is truly working everywhere.

I was so blessed by my trip. Thank God for Eric and his family who allowed themselves to be used by God to refill my cup.

More Catching Up

Since my one devoted reader has requested an update. I will try to bring the past month in summation....

Christmas season was a wonderful time filled with family and friends. My entire family came down and it was one of the most enjoyable times that I can remember. My neice and nephews are growing more and more into young men and woman who are challenging me to be a great uncle for God. I am so blessed by them in my life. I miss spending more time with them.

I left December 27 for a vacation to Peoria, IL to visit my close friend Eric who was home for Christmas break. More later on this trip.

I am now back in Auburn really busy getting ready for a seminar our church is sponsoring.

I hope this catches some of you up. I will post more later.

Catch Up

I can't believe it has been since November that I have posted something.

I have been really busy and also have had a nagging illness. I finally went to the dr yesterday and am on the road to recovery. Here are some highlights of the past weekend

Low light: Friday night Oceans 12 was sold out...went to Alexander...Don't see it. Most boring 3 hours of my life.

Saturday: I ran in my first race. My official time was 37:03. I thought for sure it was in the 36 range but oh well. I had also thought I was the last male, I was not! There were some others behind me. So out of 84 runners I placed 56th. Not bad for my first race.

Saturday for lunch was Jones' Christmas. It was wonderful to see Chuck, Jane and Brent and my Uncle Zane and Betty.

Saturday evening I went to the Commanders for the annual Gigerbread house decorating. It was a wonderful evening.

This week has been rough I have had a headcold and sporatic fever and some trouble breathing. I hope to be over this soon.

And then they return

Since Auburn is on semesters the pace between Thanksgiving and Christmas is frantic. Students are cramming for finals and writing papers. I had an ok week. Great lunch with parents and grandmother (Jones) and a wonderful dinner with some church friends. God has blessed me to have another birthday. I am the big 29. I thought I had matured enough not to be upset that my family could not be down to celebrate it but I am not. I missed both of my brothers and their families immensely. Oh well...maybe 30 won't matter.

A Ghost Town

Well Thanksgiving break is here and all the college students have left so traffic is back to a medium-sized town. Tomorrow the city schools are out so even more people will leave. While I love the quietness that surrounds holidays here in Auburn, I miss the presence of all my friends. This year for Thanksgiving our family will be small in number, so I think my parents, my grandmother and I are going to go to Cracker Barrell for T-day lunch. I am looking forward to it.
This blog does not have much substance but oh well.

Grace & Mercy Revisited

What is the difference between grace and mercy?

One Small Word & The Sins of the Father

So, I am the church office manager. I create, print and copy the Sunday Bulletin. I don't think I have ever not made a mistake in the bulletin but the one this past Sunday had to be the most funny and embarrassing. I blame it on my father and in some ways my brothers. It is there humor that made me type it, I am sure. So the huge mistake I made that was printed in the pewsheet and up on the screen was......."Walking alone with Eve" It is amazing how much difference one word makes. Though I did get one comment that they would enjoy that song a lot more than the true version.

Moving through the Hurt

Experiencing hurt hurts. It makes me sick to my stomach. I lose motivation to do things that either have to do (work) or love to do (play). It is amazing how much God's comfort can be present but yet the pain is still there. I know God is helping me through this but he is not taking it away from me. My friends can offer no words of comfort, really only their presence seems to help. Just to know I am not alone. Life's hard lessons are a tough pill to swallow. But I guess it is true what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.

Grace & Mercy

A group of my friends and I recently have been going through personal battles in which we have given or received Grace and Mercy. I was once asked the question can one really give grace if they have never accepted it from God. I don't know how to answer that question, but I do know it is easier to give grace to those who give grace to others but it is difficult to give grace to those who seemingly appear to refuse to give grace. Caedmon's Call has a song that has been in my head for about a week.


I am the woman at the well, I am the harlot
I am the scattered seed that fell along the path
I am the son that ran away
And I am the bitter son that stayed

My God, my God why hast tho accepted me
When all my love was vinegar to a thirsty King?
My God, my God why hast thou accepted me
It's a mystery of mercy and the song, the song I sing

I am the angry man who came to stone the lover
I am the woman there ashamed before the crowd
I am the leper that gave thanks
But I am the nine that never came

My God, my God why hast thou accepted me
When all my love was vinegar to a thirsty King?
My God, my God why hast thou accepted me
It's a mystery of mercy and the song, the song I sing

You made the seed that made the tree
That made the cross that saved me
You gave me hope when there was none
You gave me your only Son

My God,My God,Lord you are my God.
My God,My God,Lord you are my God.
My God,My God,Lord you are my God.
My God,My God,Lord you are...my God.

Thank God for Praying Parents

This past weekend, I was privileged to meet the parents of one of my close friends. They were the type of people who made you feel like family before the first five minutes had elapsed. But more important than that was their language when talking about their son's move to Auburn 750 miles from home. "We prayed every morning for him to find a church home and Christian friends." God not only answered their prayers but blessed me and the others this guy has befriended. I remember as a child my parents praying for us every morning. If I had a problem or was upset, I would crawl into bed with them and Dad or Mom would pray.

It is is legacy, I am still striving to uphold. My brothers have also strived to continue the legacy. They pray with their children every night.

Thank you God for praying parents.

Pumpkin Carving

This evening after Auburn beat the Arkansas Razorbacks, a group of my friends came over for some enchilladas and fellowship. We ate on the deck just laughing about life and quoting "Princess Bride." Then we carved pumpkins. God has blessed me with friends who know how to laugh at themselves but also can be so dedicated to their beliefs. It is amazing how you can find out about someones heart just by watching them carve a pumpkin. Or maybe in the grand scheme of things it is not what we did other than spend time together. I think back to my family, the night of Christmas carols around the tree, the Friday night Game night. Even when I was too young to play Rook or Scrabble, I was still spending time. I wonder how much better relationships in the church body would be if we spent more time in just normal life rather than looking at the back of their head for an hour.

From "At Home in Mitford"

“Father Tim, I'm dying.".... “I'm asking you to help me find something to make the rest of my life worth living.”

When I read this passage of the book, I just sat and thought for a moment if I was really living as if I was dying. Not in an urgent way but do I realize that God is using me right now. Even when he is preparing me for something in the future he still expects me to serve him. Not take a break or wait. I don’t know if this makes sense but it has really made me think eternally instead of temporally.

It's A Family Thing

This past weekend my entire immediate family went to Stone Mountain Park in GA. It was a great time. It is times like these that I appreciate what family means, even when it means you have inherited your father's humor. For me our family is more that just blood related. We have a connection that goes beyond physical blood because I love my sisters-in-law just as much as my brothers. We all care for each other and give each other a hard time. So often I think we miss the boat when it comes to church family. There are times where I can't stand to be around my biological family yet we think that the church family should be immune to that feeling. And the antithesis is true as well. We should rejoice with a church family member just the same as we would with a biological family member.