Trusting God

So I often wonder how much personal information I should share with the Blog-world. I mean I hear about employers reading personal pages such as myspace and blogs to find out about their employees. But at the same time, my personality justs wants to scream to the world about what is going on in my life. Good or bad. I turn 31 in a few days. God has blessed me despite my failings which are many. He strengthens me despite being so angry with him at times that I shout at him. He gives me peace when I annoy him constantly for things I don't really need. So why is it that I have a hard time trusting him....

In the next few months I will find out if I am out of a job or not. I have done nothing wrong, it is just a domino effect of circumstances. Last Thursday was my day to get mad at God. I felt hurt, betrayed and lonely. A close friend of mine who also is having some rough, stressful days, called me on Wednesday and asked if I wanted to fast with him. I agreed mainly because I knew I needed to even if I did not want to. So we fasted. We broke our fast Friday moring at Cracker Barrel. All during Thursday I was dealing with emotions. I really did not get hungry because I was so focused on "telling" God what he needed to do. Friday morning came and I felt a peace that truely passed all understanding. I could rest in God's ability to provide for me as he has for the past 30 years.

I still don't know what I am going to do for a job. It would be different if I knew what I wanted to do "when I grow up" but I have no clue. I know what I am good at but have a hard time finding people who will hire me because I worked for a church as a secretary. They don't understand how much you give when you work for people you love dearly. While there is a small chance I will get to keep my job, I have already begun the process of finding other employment. I know I will miss my job. But the job changing is not what causes the most stress. It is the unknown, the transition. Worries that I thought I would only face when I became a parent has come in....will I have enough money to pay the bills....Will I have to move....these questions cause stressful moments.

I think back to the man who said to Jesus...I believe, help my unbelief. I can not look at my life and not believe in God's ability to take a worthless person and bless him but in the here and now it is a challenge. So for those in Blog-land who pray....I would appreciate prayers as I face the unknown and that God will provide some employment.

Happy 100th

According to Blogger, this is my 100th post. I actually was going to post something about how crappy my day was today but after seeing this, I realize I should be rejoicing over the huge occurrence of numerical triumph. So in honor of my 100th post here are a few random things I have learned this week:

1. It is fun looking at old vacation pictures. They remind you of fun times and great friends.

2. Spending time with family can be a wonderful time filled with joy and laughter.

3. You know you are getting old when you are happy about getting a bathrobe for your birthday.

4. Your true friends are people who know your past and love you anyway...whether you knew they knew or not.

5. Raspberry Hot Chocolate and Oreo Cheesecake can make a difficult conversation much easier.

6. Wal-marts never have the exact same layout from store to store.

7. Teaching your dad to ask before messing with the car's thermostat can be trying.

8. Realizing later on that it is better to choose your battles with your dad is humbling.

9. My nephew Brent is really quite good at Taekwondo and is willing to "face" people almost twice his size and age.

10. Second month's car payment is not as fun as the first car payment.

11. Singing about Bealuh Land has a totally different meaning at age 30 than 12.

12. Church potlucks are still a wonderful tradition, and perhaps more true First Century Christianity than many "acts of worship" during the "worship hour."

13. Sometimes you just have to ask for a hug.

14. Missing your roommate is ok.

15. Wishing your roommate would leave is ok too.

16. Having lunch with someone who thinks different than you is better than eating with somone who thinks exactly like you.

17. Buying lunch for college students is food for the soul.

18. Cleaning your room and making your bed is very restful.

19. Jumping on the trampoline can be a great time to spend with God.

20. It is just plain wierd (in a good way) to see wedding rings on your best friends fingers.

21. Dating is a lot more difficult than it was in grade school. I think we should go back to "Do you like me? Check yes or no" Direct and to the point.

22. The Kingdom of God is much bigger than your church family.

23. Not everyone in the world celebrates Christmas with presents.

24. "Rainy Days and Mondays" do always get me down.

25. God speaks through random people.

26. I don't have it as bad as Peter and John in Acts 3 & 4.

27. Isaiah 43 ROCKS!

28. Fear of changing jobs/careers is one of my biggests fears.

29. My grandmother Jones is not old enough to use a walker. (so she says)

30. My grandmother Jones still loves to take pictures from the neck down.

31. 80 ounces of water is a heck of a lot of water.

So I could go on but it is getting late and I really should have already been in bed.

Life has Broken Out

Life broke out here like the plague. This past month, some events of my past came back to haunt me in a very public way. The church family here responded well and loving for which I am thankful but I also know that it this is just the beginning. I am excited to see God working in my life and that a story I had kept hidden away I can now share as a testimony to God. But it is still difficult in the late night hours when I am alone in my thoughts. The doubts and fears creep in like a fast moving fog. They blind me and I am left with just my faith with waivers constantly. I hope that I will continue to steadfast hold to God for he is the unchanging one.

Sometimes I think that it is easier for me to trust in God when things are unknown because I have no control so all I can do is trust God. I know that there are many many people who love me, yet the idea of people finding out about my past sins/mistakes frightens me every time it is about to happen. I feel like I am withdrawing from those who did not know because I am fearful of rejection. But yet I know realistically that they will still love me if they are truely my friends but the fear is difficult to combat.

While there is relief in people knowing, there is also a difficulty in letting people process and deal with the information in their own time. I have had 11 years to deal with the various components of this but there are now people who are hearing this for the first time and I have to learn to be patient as they process.

For all those in blog-land who read this, I just ask for your prayers as I try to walk boldly with God.

Happy Halloween

I have never really liked Halloween. I have always been a scaredy cat and masks really creep me out. However, this year I was asked to be part of the Campus Ministry's Trunk or Treat. So I decided to "Dress up" for the occasion and wear my suit from the wedding I was in the previous Saturday. I also decorated my car...It became truly my toaster on wheels.... We served sandwiches from the car. So here is a picture of me and my toaster.