Grace Lessons

Well it appears that the bloggers of the Duer family are getting lessons on grace this week. I personally feel like I have been blasted with an overflowing wave of grace and while I understand it more, I am more confused by it. I am currently listening to "What's so Amazing about Grace?" by Yancey. Each time I get into the car, I leave the car feeling extremely amazed at the examples of grace. Yet at the same time, they have really started to frustrate me. Grace in its truest form, makes no logical worldly sense. But yet, whenever I experience it, give it or witness it, it just feels right though frequently, I struggle with the giving side of grace.

Last night was a grace moment for me. Details are superfluous to the end of the story. Grace was given and received by two comrades in the faith.
It was a good night.

The Journey Home

“ We are not citizens of this world trying to make our way to heaven; we are citizens of heaven trying to make our way through this world. Tha radical Christian insight can be life-changing. We are not to live so as to earn God’s love, inherit heaven, and purchase our salvation. All those are given to us as gifts; gifts bought by Jesus on the cross and handed over to you . We are to live as God’s redeemed, as heirs of heaven, and as citizens of another land: the Kingdom of God. We live as those who are on a journey home: a home we know will have the lights on and the door open and our Father waiting for us when we arrive. Tha means in all adversity our worship of God is joyful, our life is hopeful, our future is secure. There is nothing we can lose on earth that can rob you of the treasures God has given and will give us."
The Landisfarne (via the Anglican Digest)

Can you imagine what it would be like if we truely believed that we are just passing through?

Trip to B'ham

My friend Eric and I went to Birmingham this weekend so he could take a certification test and I could catch up with a good friend and visit my brother and family. It was a wonderful, relaxing weekend. I was even able to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon.

Saturday evening we watched Hotel Rwanda. An excellent movie. It was a difficult movie to swallow that this is based on reality. I am amazed at how easily I allow myself to become complacent about racism here in the south. I continually struggle, not with being cruel or malicous towards those of another race, but with seeing them as equals. It is not an overt thing for if it was, I think it would be confronted and dealt with. No my struggle is usually below radar.

In listening to What's So Amazing About Grace by Yancey and reading Blue Like Jazz by Miller, I heard of repentace services or a repentance box, where the congregation repents of the harm that people did in the name of Christianity. Is my Christian walk hurting others? I pray it is not, but if it is, may I be forced to my knees in realization.

Selling Out God

What language shall I borrow
To thank Thee, dearest Friend,
For this Thy dying sorrow,
Thy pity without end?
O make me Thine forever;
And, should I fainting be,
Lord, let me never, never
Outlive my love to Thee.

written by Bernard of Clairvaux in the 12th Century.

I was convicted this weekend of how much I am in danger of being a lukewarm Christian. It is so easy. During worship Sunday, a good friend was leading us in worship and shared how this verse from O Sacred Head, really challenged him. "Outlive my love to Thee" The thought of me living past the thought of God's love is something I don't want to do but I do it everyday. I 'live' without accepting His love for me. It is not a constant acknowledgement that God is so powerful that he loves me despite my inept ability to do simple things that he ask me to do. I complicate his love. I place conditions on it for myself and for other people. Love. Lord, help me die in your love.

Maybe Too Much Information

This entry maybe too much info into my personal life but since it is part of my life I decided to share it with the world. Late Friday night it happened. I had prayed and prayed that I would never be a part of this club but I was inducted into the Kidney Stone Club. I tried to wade out the pain till around 2am when I called home and was told to go to the hospital. After 6 hours in the ER with no pain medication. I was released. I think it passed but who knows. I feel fine now and truly hope I never experience it again. Thanks to Phil & Mom....Phil for taking me to the ER and Mom for meeting me there and sitting with me.

Proud Uncle

Du's & Don'ts

My youngest nephew first pee wee game!! He is one cool dude!

"When you find yourself facing an issue in your life, the purpose or reason or good thing that might come out of it completely hidden from you--what do you do? Do you worry and fret, become preoccupied with the problem? Do you ignore it or avoid it? Do you complain about it, do you want to run away from it? Or do you see it as a situation in which you might be able to experience the power and grace of God at work? Do you watch for the work of God that is to be done in this situation?"
Father John Yates, Falls Church

I read this quote last night and was deeply humbled. I long to be the visionary that when I face problems I anticipate the chance to "experience the power and grace of God." I am reminded of the movie Patch Adams. When he is challenged to look beyond the problem. So perhaps my focus has not been off, rather it is has been focused on the wrong thing.

The Next Day

Well the printer is fixed, but then again, I never really determined what was wrong with it other than low on ink. So can I really say I did something right?

a day

I have just had a day when just once I would like to have done something right, or at least thought I had done it right. It was definitely a Monday. I pray that i will be like the Chris Rice song and wake up to a different day, attitude, and fixed printer.

Orlando Bound

Well it is official. Well the plans are official. If it ever is accomplished I will be amazed. Myself along with 3 other friends (commonly known as the Band of Brothers) are heading to Orlando to Disney World in May. I am cautiously excited because it is hard enough getting us four all together for dinner on a Monday night much less a 4-6 day road trip. But then again, that is the negative side of me talking. My fellow brothers have done well in allowing me to be in control of getting together different road trips. My personal favorite was termed the "Light bulb" trip. Head to Cedar Point, OH via Greeneville, TN. Then travel to Peoria, IL to drop of Eric for his sister's HS graduation. Then back to Auburn. But since Newby does not like roller coasters we decided to go to Disney Word. I just wonder how we can convice Adam that Spaceship Earth is a gentle boat ride.

The other cool trip I had planned was a trip to Fayetteville, AR, via Memphis, TN to see Les Mis. Three of us are fans and one wants to see it. But I was not keen on driving across Arkansas.

So my days as travel planner is over, now I get to work on the logicistics of the actual trip.

I doubt they realize how much they are feeding my control-freak habit.

The Facial Journey

The past few months have been a test of my faith in ways that I honestly did not think I could handle. It will soon be 3 months since half my face went limp from Bell’s Palsy. No one can notice now but the emotional scars are still there and it is taking a long time of healing. At first, I leaned 100% on God. People were praying for me, laying hands of love and healing on me. I could see that in me God was giving the strength to handle this. But after a few weeks, I let my guard of leaning on God down and Satan’s schemes took hold. I replaced reliance on God with reliance on myself. I took the stance of being super-strong and not letting it get to me that I talked with a slur or that my left side did not move when I smiled. But that did not last because I was scared that this could be permanent. So my reliance then turned to fear, which is where Satan wanted me. I felt crippled, not physically as much as spiritually. This fear dug in deep and invited his friends of depression and self-pity to join him in my life. On the outside, I was keeping up appearances, but eventually my close friends started seeing things were not right but my pride was too strong to admit where I had dug myself. Oh there were times when I would reach out my hand to friend and pull myself up a little ways out of the mire but eventually, because I was not replacing the fear with hope, I would sink further than I was before. The past two-three weeks have been the roughest. God was calling me back to him, I could feel his calling but was fearful of the journey back. Satan is good at his job. He orchestrated work frustrations to increase and personal sins/struggles to consume my thoughts. So instead of leaning on God, I became more despondent that I was losing it. My thoughts were becoming more and more dark. My façade of everything is going ok was crumbling. I began to ask for prayers for my dark negative thoughts. I wanted for the despondency/depression to go away. My brothers/sisters were faithful, they prayed and it ceased but deep down still knew that there were deeper issues at hand. My dependency on God had ceased. I don’t know exactly when but it had. This was playing out in my heart and actions. Work was not even remotely fulfilling. I was tired of being depressed, especially around my friends. My fears of rejection and loneliness were increasing. It was a vicious loop. So this week a change occurred. I don’t know what it was but Tuesday morning I woke up decided that this had to stop. I can’t pinpoint what changed but I started realizing how stupid I had become. It is now Thursday and the actual circumstances have not changed but I am handling temptation better and my willingness to control is pretty low. I guess I finally awakened to the fact that God does a much better job than I do in trying to work out my life. I look back to when it first happened and still hold to the truth that I am glad this happened. I only wish I had given my fear to God instead of internalizing it.

Lessons from an egg

So my friend Kara gave me two Reese's Peanut Butter Easter Eggs last night. By the time I arrived home, they had melted. So I put them in the fridge to harden up. I just finished eating them both as a late dessert after lunch. As I opened up the second egg, it was smushed looking nothing like an egg. I identified with that egg. The past few weeks, I have felt melted. Part of the problem was the elements or environment I was putting myself in. This was not God molding me, but this was Duer being a stubborn mule and deciding that I am able to handle things. So my melting did not result in a great pheonix-like revelation of coming back stronger. Instead, I allowed myself to become conform to whatever shape the package of my life was taking me. To continue my analogy, I was not longer an egg. My faith/ingredients were still there but my purpose was lost in the elements of heat. So now that I am no longer being melted I feel the need to have the "egg" back together again. But the next thought is how I can be the horseman you know...solve my own problems. Which is exactly what got me here in the first place. So what lesson have I really learned...When I do the molding, I lose purpose, but when God is in charge, my purpose is clear.

I hope you can follow the logic here. It makes sense to me but as I learned last night Duer logic is down right enigmatic. But that is something for another blog.

Fly Away

Airports are inheirantly emotional. You can look just about anywhere in an airport and see high emotions. Whether it is love or anger, sadness or frustration, emotions are there. I picked up a friend from the airport last night and while I was waiting for her, I witnessed multiple times people seeing each other from across baggage claim and running to hug or just crying there on the spot transfixed till their loved one came to put his/her arms in a giant hug. As I waited, I wondered if that would be what heaven will be like. Will I see people who I have missed for so long. It reminds me of the song by Mercy Me "I Can Only Imagine."

A New Look

The most unfortunate thing about a new blog look is you lose your comments of old posts. So to all those who made previous comments. I apologize. But I hope you enjoy the new look.

Another 5K

So this past Saturday I ran in my second 5K. My time was a tad slower than the one in December but the course contained more hills and I was less prepared mentally. I did enjoy asking all the policemen and a few of the tailgaters (the race was in conjunction with A-Day) to join me. They all declined. The finish line was on the 50-yard line of Jordan-Hare Stadium. It was pretty cool for me. The last time I was on that field was my 10th or 11th grade in high school for band. It was intimidating then as well as now.

I will find out my official time soon but I am proud that I finished.

A gift

Last night, the group of guys that I meet with on a weekly basis received a gift. It was an anonymous gift of value. Attached with it was a letter which included individual words and prayers about each of us. I felt undeserved of the kind words much less the gift. The person(s) prayer for me was that I would find peace with my past and that I would come to realize how God has made me a new creation.

I am taken aback at how much that convicted me. Am I the one person who is holding me back from accepting me as a new creation? Have I allowed Satan to convince me that I will never amount to much because of my actions of youth? Can I truly move forward if I have not fully accepted God total forgivenness and grace? Have I forgiven myself?

Whoever sent us brothers that gift, I thank you.

Duer

Valentine's Day or Singleness Awareness Day

There are 2 major camps. Though who love Valentine's Day and those who think it is Singleness Awareness Day. Yesterday I was the odd man out. Though single I really enjoy the idea of Valentine's day. But my 3 closest friends made it pretty clear that they were SAD all the way. So last night, as every Monday, I cooked for them. Since we are all single right now, I made a dessert ..."Better Than Sex" cake. Now none of us can really know or not till God blesses us with a wife but it did get a good laugh out of them.

In Memory

I spoke with my mom today and one of their cats, Boo, died last Saturday. Mom thinks there is foul play due to the forensic evidence that negates the idea of a hit and run. So mom took the dead cat back to the house, placed it in a garbage bag and put it in the trash since that is where Boo liked to be anyway.

Senior Saints Banquet

This weekend we are having a dinner for the senior saints of our congregation. This year the theme is "The days of Black and White" I am in charge of the entertainment and am having a tough time getting my thoughts and ideas on paper to see if they are doable. This evening I have to create a giant TV screen on the wall so we can show some old B&W shows. They were $1 a DVD at Target. I think we are going to have a few game show-type things and I might interview a few people about their first TV experience.

Prayer Request

Please pray for Angela Geyer. She is the oldest sister to my close friend Eric Larson. She is in the hospital awaiting to see if the invetrofertilization precedure of last week has worked.