The Facial Journey

The past few months have been a test of my faith in ways that I honestly did not think I could handle. It will soon be 3 months since half my face went limp from Bell’s Palsy. No one can notice now but the emotional scars are still there and it is taking a long time of healing. At first, I leaned 100% on God. People were praying for me, laying hands of love and healing on me. I could see that in me God was giving the strength to handle this. But after a few weeks, I let my guard of leaning on God down and Satan’s schemes took hold. I replaced reliance on God with reliance on myself. I took the stance of being super-strong and not letting it get to me that I talked with a slur or that my left side did not move when I smiled. But that did not last because I was scared that this could be permanent. So my reliance then turned to fear, which is where Satan wanted me. I felt crippled, not physically as much as spiritually. This fear dug in deep and invited his friends of depression and self-pity to join him in my life. On the outside, I was keeping up appearances, but eventually my close friends started seeing things were not right but my pride was too strong to admit where I had dug myself. Oh there were times when I would reach out my hand to friend and pull myself up a little ways out of the mire but eventually, because I was not replacing the fear with hope, I would sink further than I was before. The past two-three weeks have been the roughest. God was calling me back to him, I could feel his calling but was fearful of the journey back. Satan is good at his job. He orchestrated work frustrations to increase and personal sins/struggles to consume my thoughts. So instead of leaning on God, I became more despondent that I was losing it. My thoughts were becoming more and more dark. My façade of everything is going ok was crumbling. I began to ask for prayers for my dark negative thoughts. I wanted for the despondency/depression to go away. My brothers/sisters were faithful, they prayed and it ceased but deep down still knew that there were deeper issues at hand. My dependency on God had ceased. I don’t know exactly when but it had. This was playing out in my heart and actions. Work was not even remotely fulfilling. I was tired of being depressed, especially around my friends. My fears of rejection and loneliness were increasing. It was a vicious loop. So this week a change occurred. I don’t know what it was but Tuesday morning I woke up decided that this had to stop. I can’t pinpoint what changed but I started realizing how stupid I had become. It is now Thursday and the actual circumstances have not changed but I am handling temptation better and my willingness to control is pretty low. I guess I finally awakened to the fact that God does a much better job than I do in trying to work out my life. I look back to when it first happened and still hold to the truth that I am glad this happened. I only wish I had given my fear to God instead of internalizing it.

Lessons from an egg

So my friend Kara gave me two Reese's Peanut Butter Easter Eggs last night. By the time I arrived home, they had melted. So I put them in the fridge to harden up. I just finished eating them both as a late dessert after lunch. As I opened up the second egg, it was smushed looking nothing like an egg. I identified with that egg. The past few weeks, I have felt melted. Part of the problem was the elements or environment I was putting myself in. This was not God molding me, but this was Duer being a stubborn mule and deciding that I am able to handle things. So my melting did not result in a great pheonix-like revelation of coming back stronger. Instead, I allowed myself to become conform to whatever shape the package of my life was taking me. To continue my analogy, I was not longer an egg. My faith/ingredients were still there but my purpose was lost in the elements of heat. So now that I am no longer being melted I feel the need to have the "egg" back together again. But the next thought is how I can be the horseman you know...solve my own problems. Which is exactly what got me here in the first place. So what lesson have I really learned...When I do the molding, I lose purpose, but when God is in charge, my purpose is clear.

I hope you can follow the logic here. It makes sense to me but as I learned last night Duer logic is down right enigmatic. But that is something for another blog.

Fly Away

Airports are inheirantly emotional. You can look just about anywhere in an airport and see high emotions. Whether it is love or anger, sadness or frustration, emotions are there. I picked up a friend from the airport last night and while I was waiting for her, I witnessed multiple times people seeing each other from across baggage claim and running to hug or just crying there on the spot transfixed till their loved one came to put his/her arms in a giant hug. As I waited, I wondered if that would be what heaven will be like. Will I see people who I have missed for so long. It reminds me of the song by Mercy Me "I Can Only Imagine."

A New Look

The most unfortunate thing about a new blog look is you lose your comments of old posts. So to all those who made previous comments. I apologize. But I hope you enjoy the new look.

Another 5K

So this past Saturday I ran in my second 5K. My time was a tad slower than the one in December but the course contained more hills and I was less prepared mentally. I did enjoy asking all the policemen and a few of the tailgaters (the race was in conjunction with A-Day) to join me. They all declined. The finish line was on the 50-yard line of Jordan-Hare Stadium. It was pretty cool for me. The last time I was on that field was my 10th or 11th grade in high school for band. It was intimidating then as well as now.

I will find out my official time soon but I am proud that I finished.

A gift

Last night, the group of guys that I meet with on a weekly basis received a gift. It was an anonymous gift of value. Attached with it was a letter which included individual words and prayers about each of us. I felt undeserved of the kind words much less the gift. The person(s) prayer for me was that I would find peace with my past and that I would come to realize how God has made me a new creation.

I am taken aback at how much that convicted me. Am I the one person who is holding me back from accepting me as a new creation? Have I allowed Satan to convince me that I will never amount to much because of my actions of youth? Can I truly move forward if I have not fully accepted God total forgivenness and grace? Have I forgiven myself?

Whoever sent us brothers that gift, I thank you.

Duer